The art of selecting a mate
About the article
This is a digitised version of an article from The Cayman Compass's print archive. Occasionally, the digitisation process introduces transcription errors, or other problems.
See the article in its original context from August 1996.
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Coupled with the social emotional and spiritual ruination of the family and the ramifications on the extended family, it behoves all newcomers to the Institution of Marriage to exercise wisdom and patience in the choice of a wife or husband. Statistics do show that 60 percent of all children reared in a broken home usually experience similar dysfunction in adulthood. Quite often children brought up in a broken home can be traced back to the choice or mate selection that was not wisely and intelligently undertaken by their parents.
Some contributing socio-psychological factors which usually lead to children having a dysfunctional family of their own are as follows: Such children may distrust the opposite sex based on the level of trust exhibited by their parents towards each other.
Abusing each other and breaking up can become a learned behaviour.
Children reared in an abusive or dysfunctional family can become emotionally fragile and unable to cope with problems of their own.
Separation and divorce have become more acceptable in society; hence there is seldom an alarm at a family becoming dysfunctional. Consequently, children reared in a dysfunctional situation may find it easier to calls it quit in their own relationship.
Choosing a mate calls for readiness, preparedness and objectivity. It is more than falling in love with a persons' skin colour, steps, physique, choice of clothes or the fame and popularity of the person.
BEING OBJECTIVE
Objectively, it would not hurt if one takes time to examine each other's parental values. After all, 50 percent of our personality is what we have inherited from our parents.
It would also be wise to check on each others' childhood upbringing and values. Sometimes there are unresolved hurts and circumstances that may be brought into a new relationship. It is therefore suggested that one ascertains whether or not there is any animosity not yet put to rest.
THE HIDDEN AGENDA
Choosing a mate calls for honesty, frankness and openness to each other. Many couples are guilty of not being fair and outspoken on the issues that are disliked in each other. Honesty and openness prior to an exchange of matrimonial vows often creates the right atmosphere for meaningful dialogue and adjustment.
We should not forget that "Marriage is NOT a Reform School. Therefore, the changes prospective partners desire in each other should be identified and addressed before saying "I do".
COMMUNICATION
The value and importance of Communication cannot be too emphasised. An individual who is often too busy to accommodate a problem-solving discussion prior to marriage usually remains that way after marriage. It is very seldom such people are willing to change, even through counselling.
I would suggest that many prospective couples need to ensure that their mates-to-be are adherents of good communication before marriage. If not, wait until such quality is developed and appreciated before saying "I do". The number-one cause among the five main causes of separation and divorce is communication.
Socio-psychologically, some folks are left-brain oriented, others are right-brain oriented. Psychologically we are educated that the left-brain person is more analytical than the right-brain person.
So, in order to establish an air of compatibility and knowing as it relates to understanding and longevity in the relationship, a cognitive understanding of each other is a necessity. Such knowledge will eliminate much of the misunderstandings and quarrels that occur.
Female and male concepts of love and intimacy are not always the same. Asked to write the things that constitute love, a number of men begin with sex, respect, friendship, companionship, a sense of responsibility, caring, sharing and so on.
On the other hand, for most women it is quite the reverse. The female order is friendship, respect, companionship, a sense of responsibility, caring, sharing, sex and so on. Helping each other to better understand the difference in thinking can be an asset in selecting a mate.
MANIPULATION
Manipulation in marriage is more than unbearable. In some cases a girl or a boy reared by a single parent or by manipulative parents may learn to be manipulative and overly possessive. Knowing this of your partner will most definitely help you to cope and understand each other better, just in case such behaviour manifests itself.
Knowing the "why?", the "when?", and "who?", the "what?" and the "where?" of your future partner's background can be very helpful and healing in one's relationship. It may be helpful to suggest that marriage is a bond between two people. It is by no means a bondage!
COMPATIBILITY
Incompatibility often gives rise to jealousy, insecurity, inferiority, snide put-downs, fights and separations.
Cultural compatibility or an attempt to establish a reasonable pattern of Cont'd on page A8 from page A9 cultural adjustment should be strived at before saying "I do". Intellectual compatibility should also be sought. A gardener and a teacher, for instance, may well live happily together, but it will not be a surprise if they do not. Compatibility in every area in the life of a prospective couple should be pursued before tying the knot.
Let me interject that compatibility does not lend itself to the "Cinderella Syndrome" i.e. "Happyily ever after." Compatibility is being able to exist together harmoniously and having much in common.
Those of us who are spiritually and biblically inclined know very well that the scripture cautions against being unequally yoked. Therefore, compatibility from the scriptual perspective should not be taken lightly.
NO ONE IS INFERIOR
Some men usually think that women are inferior to men on the basis of biological differences. In my experience the best teachers and lecturers that I have had are women with distinct intellectual qualities. A glance at the creation story for those of us who subscribe to it reveals that in the beginning God created both male and female in His image or with the capability to be great.
Many couples have made the mistake of not taking into account whether or not there are sexist hang-ups prior to marriage, only to regret it when it is too late. Has your future partner any sexist hang-ups? CLOSING
THOUGHTS
Before saying "I do" how much have you taken time to know your mate? Is he or she domineering and manipulative? Is there genuine respect for the opposite sex? Philosophically, what is your future mates' concepts of love? Why are you in love? Objectively, can you list at least ten reasons why you are in love? How much do you know or wish to know about your future mates' parental values? And how much do you know about your future mates' childhood socialisation. Does your future mates' social values include alcohol and unlawful usages? Do you know how his or her past relationship began and ended? Should you not ascertain whether or not your future mate is willing to seek counselling if there is a necessity? Note: Rev. Neville Daley is Pastor of the Church of God, Sanctuary of Praise, Frank Sound.
