Are you in a relationship with anyone? If you answer no then you’re wrong – you’re in a relationship with yourself. Those with partners feel the daily joy (and pain) of living and loving another human being, trying not to strangle them in their sleep and throw the body off Northwest Point. Please remember pets don’t count; you can’t divorce your dog and your dog will always love you even when you’re broke and sweaty with your $682 CUC bill.
What’s the best kind of love in any kind of relationship? Well that’s easy: it’s a mother’s love. It’s the best and purest love you will ever have and if they could bottle that we would all be alcoholics. Moms will love you when you’re broke and sweaty and might even help with next month’s $709 CUC bill. You and mom are in the longest loving relationship you will probably have in your life, and yes you should put down the paper and go call her now!
So let’s review in case there is a quiz: your dog comes second, moms are first and that means your significant other sitting across the room from you with their big pores and lumpy rear end that is getting larger by the day is the third string quarter back for your game of life. Yes, life. If you’re married you know you signed and swore to it for life, at least that is the theory.
Here is a fact: half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half? Well, they end in death – so pick a goal and work toward it.
Whether married or living in sin, when you live with someone you get to really know them. Of course, this may or may not be a good thing. When the honeymoon is over you start to look under the hood and kick the tires and realize what you got. If you’re a guy look at the girls mother cause that’s where you are headed. If you are a girl forget about it we fall apart like slow roasted pork and start to look like a cross between Buddy Hacket and Shrek about two years after we are married, sorry about that.
In any relationship you will become familiar with the term “make it work.” Ask any married guy and he will tell you a story, something like this: how he eventually came to the decision that he would prefer new patio furniture over a boat. He didn’t know that at first but he came to believe his future happiness would be in severe jeopardy if he didn’t agree to and like the purchase of new patio furniture.
For most married guys “compromise” means shut the heck up and do what your wife tells you. You do it for the sake of the relationship and your physical health and even if your wife hits you, you can’t hit her back.
My mom was tough, she could take a punch better than most moms, ask my dad, but the 80s are long gone and if you’re a husband and you hit your wife she will cut your family planner off and throw it in the road with the flat slow iguanas and you will wake up dead or in Northward prison for a term at her Majesty’s pleasure.
I should state here I am not married and have not been yet but lack of knowledge or experience is no reason to not give expert advice – ask any politician – but if there is a rich old blind woman out there with a boat that wants me please send a bank reference letter and a picture (of the boat) and I will call ahead to Vernon Jackson to get the papers ready. Like Lenscrafter’s ad says – we can get hitched in about an hour.
How relationships work
There are a lot of aspects about a relationship guys don’t think about like who is going to bail you out after you have had to much rum cake and are caught driving through Dog City at 2am on Friday night. If you watch Law and Order or other cop shows you guys know you might need an alibi at some point. Like when the task force knocks on your door and wants to know why your canoe went to Jamaica last night. The wife is always, always the best source for a watertight alibi. So guys remember to try and make it work, act like you are interested in her stories, buy her flowers (don’t steal them from the cemetery, buy them) and do some housework too. Statistics show that no husband has ever been shot by his wife while he was doing the dishes.
Now girls your part in a relationship is easy in theory, think like this, you have to take one for the team and the team is the relationship. No matter how bad we are at anything it’s your job to make us feel we are the best at everything. Also, when the game’s on be quiet and at half time bring us a sandwich dressed in lingerie or nothing at all (that’s you dressed in lingerie, not the sandwich). And that’s it. That is all you have to do and we are happy. (Well later in life you may have to drive us to our meetings till we get our license back but that about covers it.) Just remember you just have to compromise to make any relationship work. Stick it out, don’t get a divorce, just make each other miserable and stay together.
Being together in a relationship is what it’s all about. Back in the 80s, when I first started doing comedy, I was in a store and there were two fairly old, fairly ugly looking people smoking Luckys and Chesterfields without filters looking at a water purifier on a shelf. The man wanted to get the cheap one the woman said, “don’t you care about my health?”
She protested so loud she started to cough up a lung and some dust she actually had to drop to one knee and wave her arms. The man touched by this said, “honey you’re right your health is important to me so let’s get the good one. Here, honey let me give you a light.” It was so touching I almost cried: that’s a relationship for the ages.
Oh, and FYI, I also do marriage counselling on the side down at the hole in the wall where they cut fish in George Town, so if your relationship is on the rocks come down to the rocks by the docks and let’s talk.
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