Wheaton’s Way

After watching the Olympics for a couple of weeks, what lingered with me wasn’t the pageantry or extraordinary level of sports skill – it was what the cameras captured.

We’ve come a long way from the 1960s, when CBS sports director Tony Verna invented the ‘instant replay’ system (which, according to font-of-knowledge Wikipedia, weighed 1,300 pounds). These days, it’s absolutely standard practice to have cameras at multiple angles so they don’t miss a moment of the action. I doubt the security footage from the Pentagon is as comprehensive.

In some instances, this level of coverage can be a useful tool. Was a ball in or was it out? Was that tackle a foul or not? Did his foot make it into the end zone, or is the touchdown stricken from the record? Referees don’t have to rely just on their eyes any longer – they can ‘go to the videotape’, as they say.

On the other hand, if you’re an athlete who trips, falls, or otherwise bungles your shot at a medal, your every error can be run, rerun, and dissected to death on screen. Honestly, it’s the main reason I didn’t get into professional sports.

Well, that, and the complete lack of any athletic gifts.

When it came to the figure skating, for example, Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski (the Olympics’ answer to TV hosts from ‘The Hunger Games’) pored over every slip-up, with close-ups worthy of the FBI. I think I saw a fly on a skate blade at one point. I’ll be the first to admit that I couldn’t distinguish between a triple Salchow and triple Lutz if my life depended on it. Apparently, it all comes down to what edge you lift off and land on.

Man, whenever there was a wobble, we rolled that beautiful bean footage (I can’t be the only one who’s seen the Bush’s ads). “See there? She lifted too early from the right foot, and then went into the spin on an angle. She just couldn’t get the height.”

Uh-huh… In the meantime, I was thinking about how I couldn’t manage a moment of that routine, skates or no skates.

From identifying every fraction of a point deduction, to employing dizzying technology which followed jumps from ascension to touchdown – making it look like there were 10 skaters on the ice instead of just the one – what we the viewers certainly learned, above all, was that ice skating at this level ain’t for everyone. I’m not just referring to the talent; you’ve also got to have the hide of a rhinoceros.

Another great event, when it came to camera angles, was the luge. Is it just me, or did they have a proctologist set up the lens? At every start, you got up close and personal with the athlete about to face the track. It’s a good thing those outfits weren’t made any thinner. On a side note, the double luge looks like one of the most uncomfortable things two people can do together… and all I could think of was ‘Tron’.

The sporting paparazzi didn’t stop when the final scores had been tallied, either. We watched one of the medal ceremonies, where the woman who won gold was clearly emotional about being on the podium. No surprise there – I’d be crying if I emerged from the finish line in one piece, let alone scored a medal.

Instead of recognising social-distancing protocols (respectful, not COVID), someone behind a camera zeroed in on her face, and got closer, and closer, until it felt like a PCR test swab. That’s another reason I didn’t become a serious competitor (honest) – I would have had an itchy nose, or a honking great pimple on my cheek; something that, if I’d watched the footage later, would possibly have made me cringe. Perhaps it doesn’t bother these athletes, but as an observer, I felt like their personal space was being violated a bit. Focus on the winners, but there’s no need to linger for that length of time – what are you waiting for?

Of course, no one understands this subject more than celebrities. Unscrupulous photogs try to catch them in awkward moments, or just going about their daily lives. Gee, for some reason, Goldie Hawn doesn’t go to the supermarket like she’s dressed for the Oscars. Or Keanu Reeves isn’t perfectly coiffed when he goes to the dog park. I’ve a feeling that Cher would probably wear Bob Mackie to the greengrocers, but then that’s Cher – they broke the mould.

I think most people are sensitive about being caught on camera when they don’t expect it, and thanks to social media, there is no escape these days. By the time you’ve come home from Old Navy, an image of you with mismatched sweats and a ketchup stain on your chin is all over the Internet. Headline: ‘Bigfoot sighting revealed to be Vicki Wheaton.’ That’ll sell some papers.

Yes, it’s tough for all these people, being in the spotlight. Reading back over this column, I can’t help but feel tinges of regret about the professional sportswoman-cum-movie-star I could have been. So much potential, so much opportunity… I just couldn’t take the pressure of those cameras.

Now, pass me the ketchup.