Isn’t it interesting how things at which we scoffed when we were younger, suddenly get seen in a whole new light some years down the line?
Here’s a case-in-point: On a recent trip to Miami, I actually bought a couple of pairs of jeans with no zip or button. “How in heaven’s name would you enclothe yourself?”, a teenager (from Downton Abbey times) might ask. Well, you just pull them on and go!
Now, I’d like to clarify that these were not PajamaJeans (brand name) I purchased. Those tend to be made from lighter material – but the fundamental concept is still the same. Why go through the torturous, time-consuming, endless hassle of zipping AND buttoning jeans, when you could cut your time in half by donning them as you might long underwear? I can just see the commercial on the Hallmark Channel at 2am…
“Are you a prisoner in your own home because denim is just too difficult to master? Do you long to join your friends for the Levi’s-only social evenings out, but can’t face the uphill battle of getting dressed?”
(Then, of course, there has to be some rhyming, because ALL of these ads incorporate it somehow – it’s the Iambic Pentameter of ‘As Seen On TV’ fare.)
“You pull and you pull but that zipper won’t budge; it’s stuck underneath your great hummock of pudge. And even when, finally, you get it to slide; it catches your skin – there’s just nowhere to hide!”
In my defence, the jeans I got are quite flattering and stylish, but can I really be the same woman who would once proudly display the Guess logo on her back pocket? Nowadays, it wouldn’t matter if there was a Royal Warrant sewn there. I’m all about the tops that cover the waist of what I wear; and if they can encompass the tops of the thighs, that’s an added bonus.
Y’see, two decades ago, I wouldn’t have given zipless jeans a second look. They were right up there with the families that Snuggied together – a collection of laughing, smiling relatives, all drowning in blankets with sleeves as they watched TV on the living room sectional. That was another classic ad, which almost implied you’d starve to death if you were wrapped up in a normal blanket because you couldn’t free your hands to reach the Cheetos. Besides, even before you expired from overwhelming hunger, you’d probably suffocate while trying to extricate yourself from that huge, armless swath of material.
As we all know, the nation lost its collective mind over the Snuggie’s revolutionary design, and the creators pounced, churning them out in a rainbow of colours; covering them with favourite sports team logos; or going out on a limb – messing with the winning formula – to create the two-person Snuggie, the stuff of first-date nightmares.
I’m happy to announce that I have not yet succumbed to the Snuggie fad, but that’s probably because I’d be the type to wear shorts in Alaska. It has to be pretty cold before I’m reaching for anything that’s referred to in terms of pile. That being said, I find myself lingering more and more in the aisles that stock the kind of things that used to make me laugh. The small kitchen appliance or receptacle that can cook anything from eggs Benedict to a full Christmas dinner in one go.
“Simply put the turkey in the large section; add your potatoes on the left; and chop up vegetables with your Chop-O-Rama for the finishing touch. Then, close the lid, microwave, and in two minutes, you’ve got a perfect festive meal that the whole family can enjoy!”
The very idea that my mother slaved over the Christmas feast for hours when she could have just used this option. Will the modern miracles never cease?
I wonder if the reason that I’m now contemplating handing over ready cash for such nonsense, is sheer laziness. Why work my finger muscles needlessly on zips and buttons when there are pull-up jeans in the world? What reason could I possibly have to spend more than five minutes in the kitchen, when my Reh-DEE-meal crockpot (complete with USB charger) can turn simple ingredients into a plateful of deliciousness in mere moments? So what if every dish comes out exactly the same shape? The less time I’m preparing food, the more chance I have to sit in front of the television, wearing my cotton Snuggie (with built-in cooling system; just needs four AA batteries… ) and my feet in the AutoPedi machine (“Are your toes really smelly, but you can’t bend past your belly?”).
Just waiting on the ad for one of those magnetic-clasp bras. “Made from the same material that attaches the Space Shuttle to its booster rocket… ”
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