Why Jennifer Aniston will remain single

It was announced recently that Jennifer Aniston will be appearing in
an episode of Cougar Town with former Friends costar Courtney Cox, to which we
reply: Oh, girl, no. You’re over 40, lose men like we lose our car keys and are
generally agreed to be the hottest, wealthiest old maid in Hollywood. The fish
are already in the barrel, Jen; you don’t have to hand-paint little targets on
their fins.

Thus we realised that all of Jen’s
recent career events seem to be working toward her continued spinsterhood.  Is it intentional? Is it karma? Is it just
Jen’s agent laughing hysterically with his/her hand over the phone? In our
efforts to get to the bottom of this, we present you, the jury, with 5 Reasons
Jennifer Aniston Will Be Single Forever. The evidence speaks for itself!

1) Appearing on Cougar Town: OK, we
know we just said this one, but seriously. 
Courtney Cox is also on the show, but she is 1) happily married, 2) has
a baby and 3) has a body so tight we could bounce a quarter off of it. OK, Jen
has that last one too, but still, only one ex-Friends star is going to get out
of this one unscathed. If Aniston insists on doing the show, we silently pray
that she somehow gets elected mayor of Cougar Town, or at least receives a key
to the city. The jokes, they will write themselves.

2) Talks About Sperm Banks with Jay
Leno: Aniston is starring in both The Switch and Just Go With It, two films in
which she plays a woman desperate for a baby; The Switch even has a single Jen
using donor sperm to inseminate herself. Do you think Jen’s ever read The
Secret? The theory goes, sometimes when you spend a lot of mental energy
picturing something, like having a baby by yourself (or chatting with Jay Leno
about frozen sperm), it comes true. By projecting the image of a baby-hungry
single lady, Jen might be manifesting that into reality, or something. We’re
not exactly sure; we’re going to have to ask Oprah about this one. Either way
Jen comes off like a sad aunt, and that’s the last thing she needs!

3) Continuing to stay in touch with
ex- John Mayer: ABORT! ABORT! Allegedly Jen recently accepted a $2,000 Frank
Sinatra lithograph as a gift from ex-boyfriend Mayer. A source explained that
“John likes to put himself in Jen’s mind now and then with little gifts.” Oh
right, like how a stalker likes to put himself in your mind by carving his name
in your windshield now and then when you’re asleep. Mayer has mentioned before
how he still holds a flame for Aniston (in addition to talking about his sexual
exploits in Rolling Stone),which makes him sound like a terrible person from
whom to accept gifts, let alone allow within 500 feet of your person. Jen, you
need to re-gift that thing, stat!

4) Getting ripped on by rumoured
flame Jason Sudeikis in the press: It’s bad enough when we rip on celebs we
don’t know. It’s quite another thing when their supposed boy toys get in on the
act. Last month Saturday Night Live performer Sudeikis laughed at the idea that
he was dating Jen, saying, “She should be so lucky.” What is this, seventh
grade? Whatever Sudeikis’s reasons for the comments (drunkenness, high off of
January Jones fumes, or just old fashioned asshat-ery) the last thing Aniston
needs now are professional comedians riffing on her loneliness. Leave that to
amateurs like us!

5) Constantly eating Mexican Food:
OK, now, this should be an obvious one. A huge fan of Mexican food, when asked
to describer her ideal last meal on earth, Aniston enthused, “It’d be chips and
guacamole, quesadillas, enchiladas and a big tostada salad – and nachos!” Girl,
if you keep eating all that Mexican food, that will be your last meal. Which
you’ll be eating alone. To put it another way: we all go through dry spells;
the last thing any of us needs is to have the soundtrack to our dateless nights
be a symphony of bean-fueled farts. Though this does explain why Gerard Butler
looked like he was standing in front of a wind-machine at The Bounty Hunter
premiere…

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