Catherine Dugan La Belle and her
husband Tom had been married for 17 years when they decided they wouldn’t
continue as a couple. “You have to put your ego on the side,” she said. “It’s
not about being right or wrong. … It was about making decisions without making
the other one wrong or angry.”
That kind of mature approach is not
the norm, according to clinical psychologist Christine Costello of Evanston.
“Often when parents start discussing custody and living arrangements, all
unresolved issues from the marriage get played out in these discussions,” said
Dr. Costello. “They forget about the child’s best interest and make it about
their hurt feelings. This can be very damaging.”
Ms La Belle wanted to make sure she
didn’t take out her divorce frustrations on her kids.
Not every child of divorce is so
lucky, said Dr. Costello. “I see parents who are openly critical of their ex in
front of the children. Unfortunately, the child can feel this is a criticism of
them because they love each of their parents.”
The psychologist encourages parents
to get on the same page as often as possible.
“The first thing we did was write
the kids a letter,” said Ms La Belle. “We thought of the 20 questions they
might ask and answered them in the letter.”
Another positive exercise for kids
going through divorce, said the psychologist Costello, is journal writing.
Ms La Belle and her ex also share
equal custody and even have “family night” every Friday.
But when custody isn’t split 50-50,
Dr. Costello said parents should be aware of how the non-custodial parent is
behaving when “on duty.”
“Often, the one who might only have
the kids on weekends takes on what we call the ‘Santa Claus’ role,” she said.
“They might be overly indulgent with presents, or be more lax on things like
homework or discipline. Then when the kids return to the other parent and get
back into their routine, this can be very disorienting.”
r. Costello is seeing more
divorcing parents working together. “[That] means they aren’t going after each
other’s throats,” she said. “If you can get to that place, it will be a huge
accomplishment. Your children will learn from this in a very positive way.”
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