The world’s going to end and we’re all going to die


According to what are scientifically-named “idiots”, the world is going to end on Friday, 21 December, 2012.

This apocalyptic prophecy is based on the Mayan Long Count calendar, of which the 13th b’ak’tun (cycle) ends on that date. Now, world-ending events are predicted every few months by one bearded goon or another but this one – a bit like the Millennium bug – has gained a peculiar traction all of its own.

So much so, brilliantly, that NASA even released a video debunking theories, called, somewhat confusingly, “Why The World Didn’t End Yesterday”. It’s dated 22 December, which seems to be tempting fate a tad in the circumstances, but still.

“The Mayan long count calendar was designed to keep track of such long intervals. Is the most complex calendar system ever developed. Written using modern type the long count calendar resembles the odometer in a car,” says Dr. John Carlson, who has studied this phenomenon for 35 years. “Because the digits rotate the calendar can roll over and repeat itself. This repetition is key to the 2012 phenomenon. According to Mayan theology the world was created 5125 years ago on a date we would call August 11, 3114BC.”

This has happened 13 times, which was a significant number for Mayan scholars.

Because it’s coming to the end of this 13th cycle, net rumours and buffoons have predicted that Earth will be hit, variously, by rogue asteroids, hidden planets (either Nibru, which sounds like a constipation cure, or Planet X, which was also a punk club in Liverpool), comets and a mutant Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized bee which has a really annoying way of flying just close enough to buzz in your ear when you’re trying to get to sleep but just far away enough that it’s impossible to swat the little beast.

That’s no moon

According to experts it’s impossible for there to be comets, asteroids or self-propelled planets because, uh, we would have seen them by now. Likewise, the fact that the sun is approaching a maximum in its 11-year activity cycle is irrelevant. And, no, it will not force an immediate geomagnetic reversal – or pole shift – which will not unleash the energy of 100 billion atom bombs, because this process takes about a thousand years and hasn’t started yet.

Nonetheless, morons across the world are stockpiling tins of beans, guns and back copies of Cayman Net News in their bunkers to help survive whatever is supposed to be coming. This has been taken to its extreme by thousands of mouth-breathers descending on Bugarach in Southern France. This hamlet, with a population just shy of 200 people, is now beset by a gaggle of New Age spud-for-brains bangers who reckon that the mountain right next to it has an alien base hidden inside it.

Testament to the creative power of the human brain, at least, if something of a punch in the schnozz for the mathematical genius of the Mayans.

Still, if we are invaded by aliens as some believe, they’re surely going to have need for weekly entertainments round-ups. So Weekender for one welcomes our new Lizard-people overlords. Hail Lizards!

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