Robots are coming to kill everybody from the inside and outside, folks

Look, we all know it’s just a matter of time before the robots take over, wiggling their robot fingers at us squishy-underclassed meatspace mannequins every time we try and do something inadequate, stupid and against Law IV of the revised Asimov commandments (thou shalt not be not made of metal, you goon.)

That’s why the Weekender Science Desk has been tracking the rise of the robots for a few months and this week there’s plenty of evidence to support the imminent takeover. Worst thing about it is that it’s actually humans’ fault.

See, even Harvard University isn’t intelligent enough to quit before it’s too late. They’ve just created a robot the size of a fly that can also do the same kind of manoeuvres. Its piezoelectric wings beat about 120 times per second and it can easily get out of the way of any attempts to swat the little pest. Harvard boffins reckon it could be used for ‘environmental monitoring,’ which is really another way of saying, ‘spying on humans in case they get any funny ideas.’

Flies, however, are about the size of a Negatron compared to what engineers at Johns Hopkins have created. They call these tiny free floating star-grabbing spring-loaded-type dust-speck sized miniature ninja stars ‘untethered microgrippers.’ So far, the Johns Hopkins numbskulls have injected them into pigs’ bile ducts, where they grab samples of the flesh. Later, 95 per cent of these evil little tissue-scrapers were retrieved. Presumably the other 5 per cent hung around for ‘environmental monitoring.’

Luckily for us, Jody Williams, Nobel Laureate, is looking after us. Jody won the 1997 peace prize for her work on banning landmines, which is ultra-cool. We think she’s gone a bit wrong though, cause her latest thing is called the Campaign to Stop Killer Robots.

“If war is reduced to weapons attacking without human beings in control, it is going to be civilians who are going to bear the brunt of warfare,” she said to reporters. Correct us if we’re wrong, but human beings hardly have a great track record when it comes down to whether to kill each other or not.

Ask that guy in America, you know, the one with the big white house from which he orders remote control planes to bomb children from. Bring on the robots, at least they don’t pretend to have any morals.

Comments are closed.