When you’re young, you sometimes don’t realise the things that will become important later in life. Who would have thought that bedding would be one of them?
As a naive 20-year-old, I had no idea about the world of thread counts and different types of pillows. Hey, if it walked like a duck and quacked like a duck, I was fine. One bed-in-a-bag for $19.99 and a couple of asbestos pillows… I was on my way.
It was only when I met now best friend, Lynne, that my eyes were opened.
The apartment she was renting was being sold, and I was living in a two-bedroom place on my own. We were both wary about sharing a house, only because we’d had bad experiences with flatmates in the past, but we figured we’d take the chance and if it didn’t work out, one of us would move before murder was committed. Who knew that my first crime in her eyes would be my choice of linens?
She had all her own bedding, so it was only when she kindly took my sheets out of the dryer one day and nearly opened her finger on the edges (artistic licence) that it hit her: I was sleeping on polyester.
Like Edna Mode from ‘The Incredibles’, she had very definite opinions about materials, and this was not acceptable.
“Sheets are sheets are sheets,” countered the rube.
After quietly weeping, she gently explained that this was not the case at all. I could do better. Thus began my training.
Before I knew it, I was entering the world of Egyptian cotton, sateen and bamboo. My head was spinning when faced with the options. The higher the thread count, the better, I thought, reckoning that 1,000 TC sheets would be incredibly soft – akin to sleeping under a giant bolt of Charmin.
Not so fast.
Turns out companies have done extensive research on the subject, and bigger is not always better. Peacockalley.com actually suggests that “most fabrics with a thread count over 600 are a sign of deceptive marketing tactics at work”.
Gasp! How do such manipulative manufacturers sleep at night? (See what I did there?)
Since those days, I have definitely become more savvy when choosing sheets. Pillows, however, have been a constant challenge.
I hate to sound like Goldilocks, but for years I struggled with the texture of cloud upon which I laid my weary head.
For starters, I discovered that the older I got, the less flexible I became. That’s why people my age turn their entire body to look at something over their shoulder, rather than just their neck.
Pillows that were too soft had me sinking into them, slowly suffocating myself in the night and lifting my body temperature by about 20 degrees. I’d wake up sweaty and creased with a sore neck. Sexy.
Then I tried the Tempur-Pedic range. I was a fan for a while, but the material developed a dent over time from my huge noggin. No good.
Following that, I was drawn in by the advertising campaign for MyPillow. I have to say, even though the owner has appeared to be downright deranged in recent months, the man knows how to stuff a case. I was absolutely sold on the product. I slept well and it was machine ‘warshable’, just like he promised on TV. I even took it on trips with me, as hotel pillows are a whole ‘nother conversation.
My love affair with MyPillow lasted for a few years, but I guess our bodies really do keep changing, just like they awkwardly explained in school. For some reason, it stopped working for me in the middle of last year. Maybe I’d worn it down, like so many boyfriends in my past, or maybe my body was physically repelling anything created by a complete numpty.
Either way, the quest for a replacement began.
A Facebook post caught my eye. A local lady had bought a pillow in Cayman, and couldn’t say enough good things about it. It wasn’t cheap, but can you put a price on a good night’s sleep?
I headed to the store and was greeted by a dizzying array of pillows and mattresses, with types and features clearly listed. Memory foam, cooling gel, shoulder cutouts for side sleepers… this was Nirvana! They even let me try some samples out before I bought.
In the end, I chose the king-sized memory foam firm model with a cooling gel topper and shoulder cutout. As I announced my choice, it sounded like a Starbucks order.
So impressed was I, that I bought one for Lynne as a gift.
It was only when I went to carry them to the car, that the weight of two memory-foam-firm-model-cooling-gel-topper-shoulder-cutout pillows became apparent. Had I missed the note on the label stating their primary material was cheddar?
By the time I got them into the house, I had a thin film of sweat on my brow and my hands were aching. At least I would now have those basketball player’s arms I’d always wanted.
I dropped Lynne’s pillow on her mattress, grateful that it was relatively close to the ground. I had to heave mine onto my Princess-and-the-Pea bed, however. Basketballer arms, but tennis elbow.
That was about two months ago. How have I been faring, I’m sure you’re dying to know.
Actually, it’s pretty great. That shoulder cutout is a stroke of genius and the cooling gel does its job, so my boulder of a head doesn’t overheat.
I really hope this is it – the perfect pillow. Not only because I don’t want to have to go searching again, but I also just don’t know if we’ll get a forklift into my bedroom if I need to move it.
Stay tuned for the next riveting instalment: ‘Mattresses: A Discussion’.
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