Ah, the road trip; a cinematic rite of passage that takes best friends, estranged family or mortal enemies on unlikely journeys in search of love, enlightenment or the perfect buzz.
Todd Phillips’ ‘Due Date,’ opening last week is the latest in a long line of great American road trip movies, a manic mash-up of ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’ and ‘The Hangover,’ with Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis as two unlikely traveling companions forced together by bad luck and Galifianakis’ own ineptitude. Downey is a father-to-be, trying to rush back home in time for the birth of his child, while Galifianakis and his too-friendly dog, Sonny, are on their way to scatter his dead father’s ashes at the Grand Canyon — as you can imagine, mayhem ensues.
In honour of ‘Due Date,’ here’s some tips that any aspiring road-tripper needs to remember in order to have the best (or worst?) journey ever.
Avoid planes (and possibly trains and automobiles)
By movie logic, any time you’ve got somewhere important to be — whether it’s the birth of your baby or a Thanksgiving dinner with your family trying to get there the easy way is doomed to failure. If you attempt to get on a plane, you’re at the mercy of delays, rerouting, or a fat guy rubbing his belly against your face and sending you into an apoplectic rage that gets you put on the No Fly List. Then, of course, there’s the possibility of the plane crashing to quote Charles Grodin’s immortal pre-flight freak-out in ‘Midnight Run,’ “These things go down!” Save time and rent a car (or, seemingly the most reliable form of movie transportation, a motorbike).
Never travel with children or animals
We’ve already established that Zach Galifianakis (who stars in two of Todd Phillips’ road trip masterpieces, ‘Due Date’ and ‘The Hangover’) is pretty much the worst travel companion in the world … but children and animals can come a close second and third. Road trips are meant for grown-ups, and when you add precocious kids like Abigail Breslin (‘Little Miss Sunshine’) or other creatures — like the snakes in ‘The Darjeeling Limited’ or ‘Road Trip’ (another Phillips classic we’re sensing a theme!), trouble is bound to ensue. Of course, if you travel with a monkey, like Jay and Silent Bob, she might just get you out of a sticky situation or two3. Have a steady supply of hallucinogens
Get by with a little help from your friends (not your family)
No one wants to be stuck in a camper van full of neurotic family members, or to accidentally hit on your pre-op transsexual father because you think s/he’s a kindly Christian social worker (yeah, ‘Transamerica’ was a definite eye-opener for poor Kevin Zegers) travelling with family is way more stressful than it’s worth. Road trips were designed for BFFs; college friends trying to discover themselves, like in ‘Eurotrip’ or ‘Road Trip’; or two women trying to escape their mundane lives like ‘Thelma and Louise’ although we wouldn’t recommend ending your travel experience by driving your car off a cliff. It’s kind of a downer.
Have some back-up cash
Regardless of how well prepared for the trip you think you are, chances are, you’re going to run into money trouble. Whether you get your cash stolen while you sleep, end up melting your credit cards, or giving it all to a pair of greedy mechanics who don’t actually fix your car (‘National Lampoon’s Vacation’ — Chevy Chase is a very unlucky guy), you’re probably going to need a back-up supply. We suggest strategically placing wads of cash in various parts of your clothing, or, failing that, you need to get very comfortable with the ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’ method of offering “favors” in exchange for rides.
Costume changes are a must
No-one likes to wear the same underwear for a week at a time, it’s just tacky, and a little antisocial of you. When preparing for a movie-style road trip, make sure to pack enough clothing for at least a week, possibly two, since it’s inevitable that any journey will take you twice as long as you’re anticipating. If you’re having trouble fitting all of your outfits into one suitcase, we suggest that you take a page from ‘The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert’ playbook and invest in your own bus, preferably painted pink, in order to stow the many glittering wardrobe changes that you’re going to need on your journey.
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