We’re all aware of setting New Year’s resolutions for ourselves as part of an annual ritual, right?
When 2024 was fast approaching, I had a moment to sit down and plan. What did I want to achieve in the upcoming 366 days? Would I travel the world? How about private pilot lessons? Should I learn karate?
Instead, I decided the best way to successfully approach this time-honoured tradition was to set the bar really low. That way, the chances of failure were far less, and I’d feel like an overachiever despite doing very little.
Resolution Number One: Stop eating Cheetos in bed
I’m a late night person, so by 2am – at least six hours after my evening meal – I’m often hankering for a snack. At that point, I reach over to grab the industrial-sized bag of crunchy Cheetos sitting on my side table, and happily munch away whilst watching the latest episodes of a favourite show. Sheer heaven.
You may think I’m resolved to drop this habit because eating such things when in a completely sedentary position isn’t great for my gut health, nor does it promote weight loss, but no – those aren’t the reasons. The fact is, you’ve never slept as uncomfortably as when there is a rogue Cheeto lodged under your back. I swear, one morning I woke up thinking I was going into kidney failure because I hadn’t twigged that a particularly knobbly bright orange interloper had wedged itself ‘twixt upper bum and mattress.
A few minutes of it remaining in this position probably wouldn’t have been a problem, but after eight hours it had really made its presence known. As soon as I moved, in order to get out of bed, I sensed a bit of bruising in the area. I reached down to touch the tender spot upon my person when my fingers hit the foreign object. I know you’re dying to ask. No, I didn’t eat it.
If this had been the first occurrence, that would have been one thing, but there had been other instances that I could no longer ignore. That time my legs kept itching due to a bad reaction from the powder rubbing off a Cheeto trying to make a break for it down the bed. Then there was the morning I found one in my hair, just before I headed out the front door. I think the experts would call this ‘a problem’.
Resolution Number Two: No more buying expensive face/body creams
Why, why, why do I keep falling for the advertising, where 18-year-old girls or Christie Brinkley wipe cream across their faces, and talk about 79% of women noticing a marked improvement in their skin and reduced fine lines? Firstly, the ageless Brinkley wouldn’t know a fine line if it walked up to her on the beach and introduced itself; and secondly, I guess I’m in the 21%… but then how can it work if I never apply it? That’s the main issue: I buy these creams that are pricey enough to warrant them being kept behind Plexiglass, with only Cathy on Aisle 3 authorised to unlock the cabinet, yet never use them. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll open the packet and slather the stuff on in the morning and night for a few days, but then I slowly drop out of the routine.
Besides, have you ever eaten a Cheeto with residual Crème de la Mer on your fingers? Not as tasty as you might imagine. The fact is, if I’m not going to use it anyway, I might as well buy honking great jars of inexpensive cream (that actually get very good reviews) so I’m spending less money, rather than being enticed by seductive brand names (French will get me every time) that come in tiny crystal bottles with sterling silver applicator spoons.
Resolution Number Three: Quit watching Facebook videos for hours
Once I discovered all the amazing videos on Facebook (or are we calling it Meta these days?), I couldn’t stop watching them. It all started innocently enough with the odd cooking video.
I can’t remember any of the recipes right off the bat, but usually they involved multiple layers of ingredients that included – yet definitely were not limited to – Doritos, blocks of cheese, peppers, salami and other artery-hardening comestibles (“… an’ you got yerself a crunchy pizza lasagna!”). Before I knew it, I was planning a dinner party (that still hasn’t happened) which would feature Easy Egg Potato Cakes, the Bloomin’ Onion Spectacular, and No-Bake Apple Pie.
Unfortunately, as I tired of all the food-centric videos, I switched gears to animal rescue short films. Many was the night where I’d sit in bed, staring at my iPhone, bawling through one cat, dog, raccoon, opossum, kangaroo… after the next being brought back from the brink of death.
Fairly recently, I realised I needed to curb this behaviour; it couldn’t be good for me. And, hey – maybe just doing that could complete all my goals in one go. I wouldn’t be looking to Cheetos to provide comfort through the tears, and I wouldn’t need the face cream because my eyes would no longer resemble swollen, bloodied golf balls in the morning. Brilliant!
At this rate, I’m going to have to come up with new resolutions just to keep me busy.
How do I feel about talking less? Nahhh… next!
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