Thoughts of Chairman Kahuna: Food

There are many wonderful things in the world but my second most favourite is food. Think of all the good things there are to eat. Are you thinking? Now think of all the different ways those good things can be prepared. Fried, boiled, sliced, pickled, frozen, barbecued: the list goes on and on and every year (probably every week) they come up with a new way or new combination of ingredients to cook and eat tasty morsels from around the world. 

On television there are so many cooking shows. You can watch two or three every night. Kitchen Wars, Cage Match Chefs of France and Poland, Ninja Chefs, Kung Fu Kitchen, Chopping Block, Crock Pot Cooks with Crazy Looks, White Trash Barbeque Bash in High Definition and many more. You can even learn how to make mouse milk cheese and bee pollen pasta then finish it off with jerked vanilla ice cream. How about barbecued iguana smoked in jungle spices from Botswana? OK, I made them all up but you get the idea. Hey, I’m comic not a lawyer; I don’t have to tell the truth (I am giving them the benefit of the doubt), I just have to be funny.  

 

Pie face  

Way back in Vaudeville days came what I think is the first and best comedy and food collaboration, the pie in the face. The pie in the face is just a beautiful thing and it continues today on TV and in movies, so show someone you love them and give them a pie in the face: you can laugh and they can eat the pie they wipe off, so it’s a win-win situation . 

Comedy and food go together. Remember all the classic Three Stooges bits with pie throwing? Lucile Ball with the I Love Lucy show was always getting a pie in the face or giving one. No-one takes or gives better pie in the face than Lucy; she is the Venus Willams of the art of throwing pies. 

Lucy had lots of funny food jobs like stomping grapes and working on a pastry assembly line, Ruining dinner at home, Lucy used food as her straight man and made America and the world laugh. 

One of my favourite comedy food moments is the scene from the movie Animal House with the classic food fight started by the late John Belushi’s character Bluto. Other amazing food bits include Monty Python’s sketch about ultra rare cheese or more recently Jim Gaffigan’s bit about hot pockets and ordering them at a restaurant. He would ask the waiter, “how are the hot pockets tonight?”  

Even newer is the hilarious show Portlandia’s sketch about organic free range chicken and the totally PC new age couple about to order it. The waiter says, “His name was Colin, here are his papers.” 

If you haven’t scene Portlandia check it out. It’s funny – goofy but funny. 

Way back in the ‘70s, Saturday Night Live was funny. The problem in my opinion with it these days is that there isn’t a punchline on any of their sketches or bits. They just dribble to a stop like babies and basketball players dribble. Jokes, sketches and skits should have a zing ending – a funny punch line.  

One classic on Saturday night live was the sketch called bass-omatic. Comedy legend Dan Aykroyd spoffs Ron Popel’s Veg-O-matic with a Bass-O-matic and drinks his liquefied bass from a blender. There was also a Smucker’s Jam sketch, a play on the company’s ad slogan “With a name like that it has to be good!” SNL came up with a few more names for jam like nose hair – “With a name like nose hair it has to be good”. 

 

Gouty zombies  

Yes food and funny go together. Drive through George Town on a an average week day when there are 16 or 17 cruise ships docked on the reef and look at the people, and you just have to laugh. Hordes of gouty food zombie people with cellulite everywhere but their foreheads looking for something else to eat. The overfed and nearly dead passengers are gorged on five or six greasy meals a day as they wobble through the sea. I think that is why those people can enjoy or at least tolerate the entertainment on board; lame comics and bird acts abound on the ships. The people are all under the influence of lethal amounts of food and yes I would love to work on a cruise ship and eat five or six greasy meals a day too! 

I in my life have not missed too many meals. After hurricane Ivan was the only time I can remember going hungry for any length of time. In fact when I saw Foster’s and Hurley’s were closed I had a food panic attack. Luckily I found some of their advertisement inserts from the good old Compass and by focusing on the pictures of Rotisserie chickens I could control my fear and anxiety. I still love to stand in front of Chicken! Chicken! and watch the chickens go round; it is even the screensaver on my computer. Much better than Windows XP’s fish screen. 

Yes I love to eat and of course I love all-you-can-eat buffet style. At a buffet I like to pull my chair right up to the steam table so I don’t have to keep going back and forth to the table wasting valuable time. My dream job would be to be the cake tester of Cayman, tasting all the cakes at Tortuga and Blackbeards. I have been trying to get that job for years so if anybody out there knows anyone or what portfolio that job is under please give me a call. 

When I go to Subway they still ask me if I want six inch or foot long. By now you would think they would know, haha. Food makes you feel good, so does laughter and at least laughter is good for you so go eat a big meal then laugh a little to make a good day. 

And if you can, please give somebody a pie in the face. I can give you a list of people that need one. See you at the steam table. Just don’t get in my way. 

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