Well, it had to happen at some point – we’d come across an app that was, shall we say, not exactly quality? It should also have come as no surprise that we’d discover it around Valentine’s Day, otherwise known by certain people as “Black Friday.”
Sure, if romance has escaped us for some time, we might be tempted to turn to technology for help. The old codger running eharmony.com has a lot to answer for, and matchmaking services are expensive and unfortunately, appear to have standards. Why wouldn’t we look for an app that might answer all our questions on the cheap?
Unfortunately, the St. Valentine’s Love Horoscope was not the way forward. With symbols we had to Google, misspellings all over the place, and dubious advice, we felt that it was not money well spent.
Did we mention that it’s free?
How it works
You load it up and immediately it’s on you for all your personal details … kinda. You have to enter your birthdate, but it’s odd in that you’re scrolling through years, months and days but can’t select a specific one (you’ll see what we mean when you inevitably download this). Nonetheless, it gleaned that we were a Virgo, which is correct, and then we had to choose what gender we were. Only problem was that it didn’t say “male” and “female” or even have a picture of a man and a woman. No, it had those gender symbols with the circles and the arrow and the plus sign … confusing us completely.
We’ll save you the trouble – the arrow is male and the plus sign is female.
Once you have put in your birthdate and gender, you are taken to two colored circles with the symbols of the zodiac around them, joined by some weird form of cyber lightning. It’s like facing two star gates – one of which will possibly take you to a compatible relationship, and the other that will return you to your single self.
You are the circle on the left. You spin the one on the right until it lands on the correct sign for the person you’re considering dating.
All you have to do after that is tap on the “compatibility” tab and a bright white light leads you to the next screen where it breaks down your relationship into points of compatibility. The phrasing has all the air of text that has gone through at least two or three translations from a distant foreign language before arriving at a vague version of English.
Look to the left and you’ll see a scale of all those compatibility points, including “passion,” “fidelity” and “friednship.” We have not just made a spelling error – it’s there, right on the screen – “friednship.”
Apparently, when it comes to throwing two Virgos together, “they both are excessively critical” and “their relations could be long enough,” whatever that means.
When we tried it
The first signs we tested were those of past boyfriends, and although we had to agree with some aspects of the app’s compatibility information, it was difficult to get through the bad spelling and grammar from time to time. We also couldn’t find the part where it said we were always completely in the right.
We found that the advice given was a little too succinct, depending on our partner’s sign. Supposedly for an Aquarius we had to be “generous for compliments.” Even if we figured out what it was trying to say, surely that could be applied to anyone?
In the end, it seemed that our best bet was a Taurus, so long as we told him “how sexy he is.”
This app isn’t going to split the love atom by any means, but it could be a laugh for someone who dreads the approach of Valentine’s Day like an upcoming wisdom tooth removal.
Sure, it reads like a Chinese menu roughly translated into English, and absolutely you should never consider its wisdom to be the final word when it comes to choosing a partner, but with some friends around, a bottle of wine, and birthdates at the ready, a lot of comedy could ensue.
What was really interesting about this app was all the positive reviews it seemed to have garnered; then we read them. We reckon they were written by the same people who created this app, if the grammar is anything to go by.
St. Valentine’s Love Horoscope
Seller: Anix LLC
Devices: iPod Touch, iPhone, iPad
Rating: E10+ (Everyone 10 and older)
- Dubious advice.
- Confusing information.
- Could possibly end a relationship.