Last week, I realised that the some of the most flattering light I’ve seen myself bathed in is that which illuminates the office toilets.
I posted on Facebook that should I ever be asked out on a date again, that’s the venue I would suggest. With a nice tablecloth, some soft music and all the stall doors closed, it could pass for Le Cirque.
Some cheeky ‘friends’ suggested that maybe I looked good because the light had been switched off. Jealousy is a very ugly emotion.
I tried to figure out how to take a selfie in the mirror without blocking my face with my phone (stoppit…) but it wasn’t happening. I apparently needed to take the Kardashian 101 course to become an expert.
While I worked on how to lure a man into the office toilets for a romantic interlude without him worrying I might transform into the clown from ‘It’, I thought about how good lighting and angles can make all the difference.
As I’ve become older, I’m noticing lines in places I didn’t have them before, including two ‘dents’ that run from the inside of my eyes across my cheeks. If I hold the phone above me, with my face tilted up, my countenance is a dewy landscape, devoid of a single wrinkle.
If, on the other hand, I hold it in front of, or – perish the thought – slightly below my chin, you’d think I’d moved to Jupiter with all the gravity kicking in.
How many of us decide we look amazing before we go out one night, and then don’t even recognise ourselves in pictures? We might wonder why our friends didn’t grab us and force us into a turtleneck.
“It’s for your own good, now stop struggling!”
I think my teeth look pretty white when I’m heading out to host a gala, but then I see the photos after and I’d swear I’m smuggling corn niblets in my mouth. What the heck?
There is a definite art to having one’s photo taken. That’s why professionals exist.
Celebrities learn fairly early on which side of their face is their ‘best’ side, and rarely will you see them caught from the other.
Barbra Streisand is one such celeb, who insists on her left side being photographed. In fact, the left side seems to be favoured by many. Something about it being more active since the right hemisphere of the brain is responsible for understanding and expressing emotions visually.
Clearly someone has put a lot more thought into this than I have.
Of course, lighting and angles don’t just apply to people. I remember booking a hotel in London, based on the fabulous photographs, and when we arrived, it wasn’t quite the same experience.
What looked like a huge room on the website was, in actuality, a matchbox. The two beds barely fit and we had to climb over our suitcases to get to the toilet.
At the same time, the wind was consistently howling up the alley behind the building, adding a surreal quality to it all.
On another trip, we decided to splurge on a luxury class sleeper compartment on a train from Paris to Madrid. It was insane money, but we were taken in by the photos. Chairs, private shower and toilet… and at night while we were enjoying a ‘sumptuous’ repast, our room would be transformed into a cosy sleeping area, complete with bunk beds.
The reality was quite different. A disinterested conductor, making no move to assist, tried to explain to us in Spanish that we had to get our cases aloft in order to have any hope of sharing the room with them.
The fixtures were tired and it looked like a painter had gone to town with a hue from the Pepto Bismol colour wheel.
As I knocked about like a bell clapper in the shower when the train was in motion, a thin stream of water from the limescale-clogged shower-head dampening my skin, I vowed to do more research in the future.
In this age of technology, one can go back and change history if necessary, thanks to the magic of apps.
Don’t like your skin? Nose not floating your boat? Hair looking dull? There’s an app for that!
People can change their appearance in a photo so much, that if they post it on a dating site, it’s almost like a blind date for the person they’re meeting.
I don’t necessarily have an issue with being ‘freshened’ a little, but when I’m looking more Angelina Jolie than Vicki Wheaton, it’s time to back off the buttons.
So, my advice to all of you out there feeling that you are not looking your best is to not use an app to transform yourself. It’s not the real deal.
Just give me a call, and I’ll let you spend five minutes in my office bathroom. It’s like the Fountain of Youth in there.
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