As I shielded my eyes from an early scene of ‘IT: Welcome to Derry’, the new HBO series based on the Stephen King bestseller, I thought, “Why am I doing this to myself?”
About five minutes later, I couldn’t take it any longer, and changed the channel to watch ‘Beaches’. I’d officially given up on the idea of getting into the spirit of scary season (although I’m sure there are a lot of people who’d consider the prospect of sitting through that Bette Midler classic a fairly terrifying one).
Around this time every year in October, you can’t swing an old broomstick without something pumpkin- or Halloween-related. I think only the Hallmark Channel fights against this holiday with every fibre of its being, going the way of early Christmas programming rather than anything on the subject of witches, ghosts and goblins. You know the drill – cute couples sporting cable-knit sweaters and sharing chaste kisses feature in one back-to-back story after the next. The houses, shops and hotels they visit are festooned with festive decor and a roaring fire in every room. Probably even the toilet, I’d wager, but in Hallmark’s world, no one needs to use the facilities.
Here’s a behind-the-scenes tidbit: These TV movies are often shot in the summer in order to be ready for the winter season, as there are more daylight hours available for filming. The cast must be made of stern stuff, wearing multiple layers in 90-degree heat, acting like it’s bitter cold out.
Anyway, back to our story.
Why do some people love the thrill of being scared, while others give it a hard pass? I actually used to like horror films when I was younger. Not the really gory, slasher stuff – more the jump-out-of-your-seat, spooky productions, like ‘Poltergeist’ and ‘The Shining’. I just re-watched ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’, which recently became available on Disney+. I hadn’t seen it since I was a teenager. Starring Jason Robards and Jonathan Pryce, it’s pretty chilling stuff. I’d forgotten how downright terrifying Pryce’s ‘Mr. Dark’ character was. The special effects looked a bit dated, but still made an impact after all these years.
I didn’t just confine my interest in the subject of horror to films – I was a big fan of books by Stephen King, James Herbert and Dean Koontz. An odd pursuit, because I would scare the dickens out of myself, then spend the night with the bedside lamp and its 1,000-watt bulb firmly turned on, my feet and arms positioned in the centre of the mattress so anything under the bed couldn’t grab them.
Here’s a lovely quote from King: “The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn’t real. I know that, and I also know that if I’m careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.”
EEK!
Y’see, the problem was that I’d read the books in the daytime, when the sun was shining and the birds were chirping, but then – at some point – the night would creep in. … like a dark, cruel blanket, suffocating the sky of light, until only an undefinable – yet relentlessly oppressive – chill remained, heralding the inevitable arrival of ominous …
Double-EEK!!
It’s amazing how the mind goes into overdrive in the dark. I’d swear I’ve mentioned this in a previous column, but when I was in my early teens, I wanted to see ‘The Amityville Horror’. My parents, understandably, would not allow it. So, what did I do? I got the book, didn’t tell them, and read it.
From the very first night after completing the tale, that was supposedly based on a true story, I jumped at every sound and shadow. Anyone will tell you that your imagination is far worse than what you’ll ever seen on a screen, so I’d really done a number on myself. In the end, I had to fess up so my mother could come to my room and keep me company until I fell asleep.
Despite that experience, I wasn’t put off. I guess it’s like when you go to happy hour, you’re having a great time, and you ignore the fact that you’ll pay for it the next day.
Pay for it, you do, but a week later, there you are, at happy hour again.
I don’t read as much these days, and I do watch the odd horror flick, but sometimes it takes a few days to get through a two-hour movie. Thank God for the pause button on the remote control. Right now, I’m on my fourth day of ‘Weapons’ and I’m less than an hour into the film.
If books and movies don’t float your boat, but you like the delicious feeling of being scared, you’re probably a haunted house kind of person. Luckily, we have our own version right here in Cayman – ‘Nightmare at Field of Screams’ – which has become a very popular annual ‘haunt’ for local fans of Halloween. Featuring plenty of ghoulish characters, dark alleys and startling sights, it offers a more child-friendly experience earlier in the evening, then ramps it up for the adults later on. It’s also run by volunteers and raises money for charity, so maybe get yer big boy-and-girl pants on and give it a try.
I actually Googled to see what’s considered to be the scariest haunted house in the world. Based on what I found, I’d say there’s scary and then there’s psychotic.
Universal Studios is known for its Halloween Horror Nights, with multiple experiences available featuring top-notch effects and artistry. My friend Caroline and her husband Shane are avid fans, and go almost every year. She is actually disappointed that it’s not as scary as it used to be, but says that the room designs and actors are exceptional. “You’re transported into these surroundings the likes of which you would only usually see in the movies,” she gushed. “It’s intense, and amazing, and I just love it – I’ve been 15 times!”
I remember Ellen DeGeneres putting some of her staff through that place and recording their reactions on camera. It was hard to see the delight behind the screams of terror.
I should imagine that part of the appeal is that even though you get the thrill of being frightened (if that floats your boat), you know in your heart that you’re safe at all times.
The same cannot be said for McKamey Manor, located in Summertown, Tennessee. An infamous haunted house, it requires all kinds of waivers to be signed, medical and psychological tests to prove fitness to participate, and guests can be – and are – put through some brutal physical challenges. I believe that having their teeth pulled, among other fun suggestions, is not off the table. Casper the Friendly Ghost wouldn’t make it past the front door, and Scooby-Doo, Shaggy and the gang would be well advised to keep their distance. You betcha ruh-roh.
According to various sources, no person has ever made it all the way through; safe words were recently introduced (gee, I wonder why); yet foul language won’t be tolerated. Well, naturally. I’m known for yelling out “Heavens to Betsy!” when someone takes a pair of pliers to my molars.
Despite countless warnings to those considering visiting McKamey Manor, there is apparently a waitlist of thousands. Needless to say, I’m not one of them.
Halloween is definitely a favourite time of year for many, and don’t get me wrong – I love dressing up in a costume, as I have, numerous times in the past. I just can’t stomach the heavy horror stuff like I used to. That’s when I turn into a pumpkin.
Note from author: This column is obviously written in the spirit of humour, but our neighbours in Jamaica have just gone through a genuinely terrifying experience and are now dealing with the aftermath. Please consider donating to legitimate organisations who are working to bring them some relief.
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