Dating. Going out. Being in a
relationship. Whatever term you use, romantic feelings tend to heat up between
the ages of 13 and 17, igniting plenty of questions along with them. Is it
possible to date someone without losing your head? When is the time right for
your first kiss? What makes a relationship good? WebMD talked to several
experts — teens and adults — to find out.
Take your time
There’s no need to rush into
dating. “Girls need to feel good about themselves before they start to date,”
says Charles Wibbelsman, MD, chief of adolescent medicine at Kaiser Permanente,
San Francisco. Some girls feel pressured because their friends are dating, he
said, and this is a mistake. “Girls should only date if they know themselves
and know they want to date.”
Dating gives you the chance to
build new skills: Communication, decision-making, and assertiveness for
instance. But it takes a solid foundation to handle the strong emotions romance
can kindle. Dr. Wibbelsman has seen too many girls get depressed, even suicidal
when their first love doesn’t work out. “If it’s the first time she’s gone
through a break-up, it’s easy for a girl to believe she’ll never get over the
emotional pain she feels,” he says.
Even when you feel good about
yourself and know what you want; finding the right guy takes time. Erica, 16,
knows all about this. She wants to meet someone who can communicate and treat
her right, qualities she hasn’t found in a guy yet. “Guys my age need to step
up their game,” she says. “I almost had a boyfriend, but he was so immature. It
was a relief when it didn’t work out.” Until she finds someone who values her
for who she is, Erica’s happy to have friends and stay single.
Find someone who likes you back
Loving someone who doesn’t love you
back is like reaching for a star. You know you’ll never reach it, but you just
keep trying.
Rachel, 13, put this in her sig
file when she had a crush on a boy who didn’t have feelings for her. The
experience made her question everything about herself. “Did I say something
wrong? Was I wearing the wrong things? Did I eat too much in front of him?” Fortunately,
her friends were there for her and helped her realise there would be other
boys, boys who would like her back.
“The feelings in a healthy
relationship are mutual,” says Elizabeth Alderman, MD, chair of the American
Academy of Pediatrics’ Adolescent Health section. “The two people respect each
other, respect each others’ needs, and have fun together,” says Dr. Alderman,
who is also a professor of clinical paediatrics at Children’s Hospital at
Montefiore/Albert Einstein College of Medicine in Bronx, NY.
If you want someone to respect your
needs, you need to speak up. This is a good time to practise communication skills
and assertiveness. For example, if the boy you’re dating forgets your birthday,
let him know how important birthdays are to you. “Set the stage for open
communication by speaking in a mature, reasonable voice. Be honest without
getting upset,” says Dr. Alderman. She recommends asking a parent or friend to
help you practice first.
Move on from setbacks
Sometimes things don’t work out the
way you pictured. Kelley, 17, had her first kiss with a less-than-ideal boy. “I
wanted to go out with someone who was kind and sweet,” she says. “This guy
wanted to ‘do stuff’ but he didn’t want to go out with me.” After an
emotionally confusing time, she decided to take a break from romance. “I think
of boyfriends as experiences,” Kelley says. “My friends are there for me
through thick and thin. I’ll find love later, when I’m older.”
“If a boyfriend doesn’t give you
what you need, walk away,” says Danielle Greaves, clinical case coordinator at
The Guidance Center in Cambridge, Massachusetts. She helps girls work through how
and why they get hurt by love. Sometimes the boy was mean and selfish. Other
times the pain comes from unrealistic expectations. “It hurts now, but you can
get through this,” she tells them. “Pay attention to how resilient you are.”
The good news is that boys want
many of the same things in a relationship that girls do especially trust and
honesty. In a 2007 survey of 520 teens between ages 12 and 17, 48 per cent of
girls and 40 per cent of boys put trust at the top of the list of things that
matter most. Honesty came in a close second. By contrast, only 3 per cent of
teens said popularity mattered most in a relationship.
Talk about Facebook before talking on Facebook
Social media puts the ups and downs
of dating out there for everyone to see. Romance and people often suffer as a
result. “Facebook makes everything public,” says Rachel. Her friends monitor
each others’ relationship status. “If someone’s status changes, 40 people comment
right away,” she says. “The lack of privacy makes breaking up much worse. There
are a lot of catfights.”
Dr. Alderman agrees. “These days,
the whole world knows what’s going on between two people.” She advises teen
couples to talk about Facebook and other online sites early on. For instance,
you could say, “This is between us. I don’t want the whole world knowing what
we do.” It’s OK to ask the boy you like to not post things about you, including
photos. If he has a problem with that, he might not be the most considerate guy
out there.
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