According to a, well let’s say it, absolutely preposterous report Weekender has received, by 2035 sleep will be way, way better than being awake.
The Future of Sleep report was commissioned by hotel chain Travelodge and written by futurologist Ian Pearson. (We want to be futurologists too, because it seems to actually mean ‘being paid to say a big lot of silly, silly things’. Which is a bit like being a journalist, admittedly, but nonetheless.)
“When we need to stay in hotels in 2035,” says the not-barmy and not-messing about Ian, “We will still want a good night’s sleep in comfortable surroundings. The key difference is that our experience will be personalised to our individual needs and taste via virtually invisible technology. This technology will monitor and anticipate our physical, emotional and mental needs and desires for a healthier and happier state of being.
“Almost any surface or fabric in the room will be capable of electronic enhancement whether it is scent production, monitoring our health or acting as a visual display or speaker. By monitoring guests unobtrusively throughout the night, the room will protect its occupiers from disturbance using anti-noise and ambient audio. An adaptive mattress and electronic fabrics will optimise guests’ rest period whilst the dream management system will ensure guests have the right dreams and wake feeling refreshed at the best possible time – when their sleep cycle is completed. It is often harder to sleep when away from home. The 2035 hotel room will improve sleep quality by emulating the home environment or even directly relaying it, so that individuals feel they are actually at home in bed with their partner,”
3D hotel porn
Good old Ian also mentions innovations like ‘active 3D lenses’ that enable you to surf the net, watch emails and even monitor sleep cycles are promised. They will also relay 3D images directly to the retina. Hotel porn will never be the same.
Speaking of which, over to Ian again:
“Augmented reality will play a major role in love making. Remote presence via augmented reality will allow people to effectively make love to their regular partner whilst away from home. The in-bed technology will allow people to feel as if they are in their own bedroom and with the aid of virtual reality they will experience spending the night together with their partner.
“People will not just be able to change the appearance of their room; they will also be able to adjust how their partner looks whilst making love – by using active lenses to change the image delivered to their retinas. This will enable people to change the image of their partner, on a regular basis and only they will be aware – as their lover will not be able to tell if they have selected a different visual person.”
Yeah, great idea, Ian – there’s no way that one could ever backfire is there? Oh, and by the way your clothes will give you a massage while you wear them and you’ll be able to record your dreams too. Not bad, given it’s only 24 years in the future. Of course, you’ll be able to be medically monitored and can learn new languages whilst you’re in the land of nod too.
Where’s Keanu Reeves when you need him?
Big Brother loves you
A little less far-fetched perhaps is the fact that the room will be fully able to be customisable both visually and in terms of audio. Essentially, all surfaces will become 3D televisions. That worked really well in the book 1984, as we recall. Good old Ian also gives the quote of the century a little later in the report:
“The mattress of 2035 will look and feel superficially the same as today but will be bursting with advanced technology.”
Burn the witch!
Ian, who is probably not related to crazy Beatles-era inventor Magic Alex, also promises us ‘scalp electrodes to enable sharing dreams with partners and friends’.
And if all that were not terrifying enough, the hotels will apparently use robots and toys to communicate with guests.
“A cuddly web linked voice recognition teddy bear will be able to act on behalf of hotel staff by chatting to guests, providing a cuddly wake-up call or just wander around the hotel being cute.” Cute? Has he never seen the movie Child’s Play? Weekender is staying at home.
For 35 years.
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