Addison Kelly lost her fight with mental illness, now her family is battling to help others

Editor’s note: This story contains descriptions of mental health challenges and reference to sexual abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with issues similar to those raised by this article, there are resources available to help. You can find these at the end of this report. 

“You don’t know what you can deal with until you don’t have a choice except to deal with it.

“I could spend every single day in my bed crying but you have to get out that door, you have to find a goal and a meaning.”

Rhonda Kelly describes herself as a practical griever. When her 16-year-old daughter, Addison Kelly, died by suicide a year ago, she suffered a loss that most parents couldn’t contemplate. She struggles with that loss every day.

But, together with her husband and daughters, she is anxious to ensure that Addison’s story is told and that their family’s struggle can help others.

From behind her desk at the Kelly Holding marketing and events agency, surrounded by medals from the Cayman Islands Marathon, which she helps organise every year, Kelly is turning her skill-set towards a new goal – illuminating the complexity of mental illness, raising funds and building resources to help address what is a growing problem in Cayman.

The first steps towards that goal will take place on 4 Feb., with the first Addison Kelly Butterfly 5K walk and run at Camana Bay. The event aims to raise money for a memorial scholarship, to help Caymanian students study within the field of mental health.

Kelly said her daughter had benefited hugely from the help of mental health professionals through her life. But the challenges she suffered also highlighted the need for more expertise, especially in Cayman.

Addi, as she was known, suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and depression after being sexually abused as a child. She began self-harming as a young teen. She made three previous attempts on her life and spent time at a facility in the US where she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her challenges were discussed openly at home, but ultimately proved insurmountable.

“Not everyone survives mental illness, just like not everyone survives cancer. Her pain was so extreme,” said Kelly.

Confronting mental illness

Her hope is that her family’s story can help another child to survive.

One of the reasons she feels so compelled to speak openly about the challenges Addison faced is that she knows it is what her daughter would have wanted. 

“I would feel funny if I thought my child had any issue with her story being told. As I am talking, I can hear her voice saying, ‘Say more, say more, tell the whole truth’.”

Addison, she says, wanted people to understand the reality of mental illness and to normalise it. One of the reasons mental health issues can go ignored or undiagnosed is that they are kept hidden from family and friends or treated like a shameful secret. Unlike a physical illness, which is hard to conceal, mental wounds can be more subtle. 

That didn’t happen in the Kelly household.

“There was open communication. After we received her initial diagnosis, she worked so hard to get better but she would also tell me when she reverted to old behaviours such as cutting or burning herself, ” said Kelly.

As shocking as those revelations were, they were understood in the context of Addison’s long challenges with mental health and history of sexual abuse. She tackled her illness head-on and did not suffer in silence.

‘Joy and pain can co-exist’

Equally, Kelly, wants people to understand her daughter was more than her pain.

In a video eulogy for Addison, shown at her funeral, we see images of her laughing and dancing with her family, her eyes shining with happiness.

“We want to give you a unique glimpse into Addison’s beautiful spirit, her contagious energy and the joy she radiated,” the voiceover states.

She was the first to dance, the first to laugh and the first to sing along. She loved butterflies, her church group and making TikTok videos, especially when her mum and dad were persuaded to dance, too.

She played basketball and football, and practised karate. 

It’s not the case that the bubbly exterior masked an inner torment. Both were on full display.

“One thing I have learned is it is possible for great joy and immense pain to co-exist,” says Kelly.

That’s also true for her and her family as they try to rebuild their lives following the loss of their beloved youngest daughter and baby sister.

“You still laugh, you still have happy moments, but the pain will never go away,” she says.

All of the family members – mum Rhonda, dad Kirk, elder sisters Brittany and Emily – have got a tattoo of a butterfly in honour of Addison. They are committed to breaking through the taboos about mental illness and engaging with it, as she did.

“Nothing was hidden and we have made a commitment as a family not to hide anything now. We bring her up all the time,” says Kelly.

In another clip from the video eulogy, Addi’s father Kirk comments, “We were so proud of how fiercely she advocated for her health and healing. The emotional intelligence she possessed was beyond her years.”

‘The truth has power’

For Kelly, telling the story is a way to find meaning from her daughter’s death, to help people understand and learn from what her family went through.

“We did some things right. And there were some things we could have done better,” she said.

“I want to help another parent support their child better than I did.”

Addison’s doctors traced the origins of her illness to sexual abuse she suffered between the ages of 8 and 10.

“She told me about it when she was 10. The first thing I did right was that I believed her and I supported her absolutely,” said Kelly.

Reflecting now, she said she wishes she had done more to completely cut ties with her daughter’s abuser – a member of their extended family. In a large, close, Cayman Islands family, that’s hard to achieve.

“If you think you are doing what is best for everyone you might not be doing what is best for your child,” says Kelly. 

The extent of the damage that can flow from such childhood trauma is something she was not previously familiar with.

Borderline personality disorder is characterised by mood swings, an irrational fear of abandonment, a lack of self-identity and intense periods of anxiety or depression.

“She did not see herself as lovable. It didn’t matter how many times I said you are beautiful, you are special, you are talented, there is something there that won’t let her believe it,” she said.

Island-wide problem

If there are practical lessons to be learned from her daughter’s death, Kelly feels her example of confronting and being open about her illness is something Cayman society as a whole could learn from.

Building capacity in terms of mental health professionals is another key need for the island.

While Addi’s story is unique and may seem extreme to some, her struggle is surprisingly commonplace in Cayman.

Dr. Marc Lockhart, the former head of the Mental Health Commission and one of three practising psychiatrists on island, told the Cayman Compass that the island is suffering a mental health crisis.

He said there were over 100 suicide attempts among young people in 2021 and the island’s mental health infrastructure was not set up to cope with the level of the challenge.

Lockhart expressed frustration at the slow progress on the issue, saying, “I do not feel that we as a community are doing enough from a mental health standpoint.”

Scholarship to build capacity

For Kelly, her daughter got great care in Cayman and overseas, but she recognises not everyone has the resources to get the same level of support.

And she wants Addi’s legacy to be a new generation of Caymanian mental health professionals.

“She had talked about studying in the field of psychology or psychiatry. She saw how much it had helped her.”

Making that dream a reality for others is the goal of their Addison Kelly Memorial Scholarship, which is being administered through the Alex Panton Foundation.

Addison may not have survived her own battle with mental illness, but her family hopes her legacy could help others get through similar challenges.

They don’t need intuition to know that is what she would have wanted.

The teenager was open about her struggles. A video still exists of her talking to other young people at a church group about how she had tried to take her own life.

She ends with a message for anyone suffering in silence.

“I wanted to share that because I know there are some people, old, young, everyone, [going] through some type of battle. You are not alone,” she said.

Addison Kelly Butterfly 5k