As I pulled my pillow down over my ears to try and block out the noise of a gardener’s leaf blower on a bright, spring morning, I wondered if some inventions have actually improved our lives or were we better off before?
Who was it that jumped up one day, yelled “EUREKA!” and promptly strapped a pipe onto a jet engine? I swear, if the wind is flowing in just the right direction, it sounds as though they are in our very home. I keep expecting one to burst through my bedroom door like a ninja Ghostbuster.
I now can’t remember a time when leaf blowers weren’t around. What was used before? My memory is foggy. Rakes? Shovels? I mean, lawnmowers aren’t exactly whisper-quiet, but nothing cuts through the tranquility like those ghastly mobile machines.
I actually did a bit of a dive into the subject, because surely if they can make electric cars with no engine noise, it’s possible to get that same technology moving about green debris in our gardens. Time to get our best people on it! I found a YouTube video with a European guy lauding the benefits of the MIXUN Super Quiet Cordless. When I closed my eyes, it sounded exactly like Markus Mueri of local restaurant industry fame breaking down the many positives that this model brought to the table. Markus has always had some mad marketing skills, so maybe he should become the Cayman distributor. I’d be the first in line to buy a MIXUN and give it to the gardener, whilst running over his gas-guzzling, cacophonic dinosaur with my Jeep.
No, I don’t feel strongly at all.
Other inventions/advances have their pros and cons. Probably at the top of the list is the umbrella term of technology. Access to information at the touch of the button? Very useful. Online chatbot assistance? Hand me my drink, I’m going to need it. Personal devices that keep you connected with loved ones and the outside world? Fantastic. Security questions and reCAPTCHA when you’ve forgotten a password? Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night. Nothing seems more determined to give you the mantle of a dowager like setting security questions. Where did you meet your spouse? Where were your children born? Where were you married?
First pet and car are always my go-tos. If I really come up short on options and they need three, I go back to “Where did you meet your spouse?”
“The moon.”
Back in 2007, a British scientist cracked the code of the chewing gum conundrum. Apparently, Professor Terence Cosgrove of Bristol University invented a non-stick gum that cannot be glued to the undersides of tables, chairs and other delightful places that human beings like to desecrate with a well-masticated, DNA-ridden glob. It was also bio-degradable.
He was quoted in The Independent as saying, “Our gum has a hydrophilic coating, which means that you always get a film of water around the gum and that’s one of the reasons why it’s easy to remove and in some cases doesn’t stick at all.” Yummy.
I don’t know that Wrigley’s, Trident or, indeed, Bazooka Joe Esq. were shaking in their boots, as – from what I can see – their products are just as sticky as before. But all that aside, beyond medical applications, why-oh-why would we be spending any time in the pursuit of improving gum, unless forcing one’s mouth shut through the chewing process is the goal? I cannot be the only one who watches someone being interviewed, maybe on the red carpet or on a news programme, and recoils at the sight of a shapeless mass being shuttled from pillar-to-post molars over a tongue. It instantly reduces everything they say to white noise.
“I can prove [chew, chew], without a shadow of a doubt [chew, chew], that the route to world peace … ”
Spit. It. Out.
Some other ‘improvements’ are touted as being to everyone’s advantage are all about the marketing team, rather than the products or services themselves. Anything that starts with, “For your convenience … ” should be scrutinised with a fine-toothed comb, magnifying glass, or whatever tool you choose to employ.
For your convenience, all our support is now 100% online.
For your convenience, you can now choose which airline seat you prefer for an additional fee.
For your convenience, we are now excited to offer self-checkout tills!
Deep breath …
I first tried self-checkout at a Tesco in Uttoxeter, UK. The lineups for the cashiers were long (which should have been the first indicator of trouble ahead), so I thought I’d give the unmanned option a go. I began unloading from my basket on the left and slowly scanned my goods, one-by-one, before putting them in the bagging area. At the beginning, it was going pretty well. I had adopted a snail’s pace, which no doubt thrilled those waiting for the next available station, but slow and steady wins the race, etc.
My elation was short-lived, however, as I scanned something and put it in the waiting bag on my right, only to get an “Item not recognised” error on the screen.
Hmm … let’s try that again.
I picked it back up and tried to rescan. Now, not only would it not cooperate, but I was being asked to put it back in the bagging area, followed swiftly by “Unexpected item in bagging area”.
“How can it be unexpected? You should be completely expecting it because you asked me to place it there. It doesn’t get more expected than that!” I growled under my breath, lifting it up once again, and very deliberately moving it all the way back to the basket, essentially trying to fool the machine.
Scan? Nope. “Unable to read barcode.”
For every time that there was an error, my station beeped loudly, so all eyes were on me. An attendant who had been helping a lady with a bag of tomatoes, which was like throwing water on a robot as far as Till #2 was concerned, (“Weight mismatch! Weight mismatch! Unexpected item in bagging area!”) had sorted out that issue, and was making her way swiftly to me. Out came the Supervisor card, and with a quick scan and tapping of a passcode, my machine calmed down.
Sensing that she had a special project on her hands, the staff member stayed with me until everything was done, including guiding me away from saying I was paying with a coupon that I didn’t have.
“No, ma’am, credit card … credit card.”
Seven hours later, I grabbed my bag of purchases, made my way through the automatic security gate and person checking receipts (for your convenience … ) and got out of there.
Look, I’m not saying that there isn’t a cornucopia of modern marvels and inventions out there without which I would be lost, but I think a few need to be tweaked; or eliminated altogether.
Step One: Let’s get rid of the gum.
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