Bow before beloved bangers

First there was the Stone Age, where Homo Sapiens learnt basic tools and conquered fire; then came the Bronze Age, when man learnt to take third place in athletic competitions; thirdly, there was the Iron Age, in which humans mastered the successful pressing of clothes.

But the pinnacle of all this technology came some 5,000 years ago with a new invention of the Sumerians – tubular meat-filled foods. Yes, folks, we speak of the Saus Age.

British Sausage Week is imminent – from 5 to 11 November, to be exact – so to give us all plenty of time to make our arrangements for this most excellent of weeks we spoke to a passing pig to get his grunted thoughts on the matter.

We then put the recorded noises through Weekender’s patented Acme Porcine-English translation system and received a printout of the following facts about this excellent dish – bearing in mind that the machine is still in beta testing so we take no responsibility for the veracity of some of these.

Sausages were nicknamed bangers during the Second World War. Their high water content due to the scarcity of other ingredients meant that they were liable to explode when cooked as the water turned to steam.

Sausages are even older than ancient Greece or Rome – the Sumerians (modern day Iraq) made sausages 5,000 years ago.

During the year to June 2010 the UK ate 186,210 tonnes of sausages worth £653.3 million.

88 per cent of British households buy sausages, 50 per cent at least every four weeks.

There are more than 470 recipes and flavours for sausages in Britain. If you take into account all the different variations from butchers across the country you could eat a different British sausage every day for 10 years. Flavours include apple and pork, chorizo, jerk chicken and dog.

The most expensive sausage ever was made from fillet steak with Champagne and truffle and cost £20 a pack.

Alan Shearer, ex Newcastle, Blackburn and Southampton striker, is said to have once found a packet of sausages in the back of his freezer – which he’d bought in 1942! Apparently they were still edible, if you didn’t mind getting sick from e-coli and salmonella.

The world’s longest sausage was made during British Sausage Week 2000, weighed 15.5 tonnes and was 35 miles long.

In 320CE, because of their association with pagan festivals, Roman Emperor Constantinus I and the Catholic Church made sausage eating a sin and their consumption was banned. This led to sausages going underground until the ban was lifted.

Footballer John Terry and wife Toni Poole served sausages at their wedding in 2007, as did Kate Winslet. Katie Price and Peter Andre served guests bangers and mash when they married.

Producer and artist Timbaland was rumoured to be working with sausage boffins, panama headgear storage experts and alternate fork manufacturers in the UK to create the world’s first left-hand Timbaland Cumberland hatstand.

Apparently legendary highwayman, Dick Turpin, was known to moonlight as a butcher making sausages from the finest meats hunted in Epping Forest.

Sausages are without doubt the greatest food in the universe.

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