As I sit here, eating wine gums for breakfast, I wonder where it all went so horribly wrong. I think situations like our present one really allow bad habits to run amok. In the past, I might have snuck a lollipop in as a mid-morning snack, but now all reason has gone out the window, and fruit jellies are replacing oatmeal in my daily menu. I blame grocery availability, which is nonsense, because there is absolutely no shortage of healthy food at the supermarkets.
Speaking of bad habits, am I the only one spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the television? At the beginning, we had good excuses (she said). Some mainstream films, in mid-release when the COVID-19 hit the fan, suddenly began popping up on the iTunes menu long before they normally would. I instantly assumed the position – supine on the couch with a bag of Ruffles balanced on my tummy – and immersed myself in films like ‘Emma.’ and ‘The Invisible Man’. It was movie night every night; we turned off the lights and everything. The only thing missing was a $15 bucket of popcorn and someone checking their WhatsApp messages on a ridiculously bright phone screen two rows in front.
Of course, there were only so many first-run films that could be released to the home market at once, and certainly not enough to satisfy my rapacious appetite. Time for Phase Two, which was where I caught up on the latest seasons of series I’d missed. Season three of ‘Ozark’ was finished in a weekend and I managed to track down season two of ‘Fleabag’, which was fantastic.
It was a week or so before I succumbed to very popular culture. After seeing countless memes and stories about the Netflix series ‘Tiger King’, Lynne (best friend and housemate) and I finally waded into the seven-episode journey to Bonkers Town. The heady combination of dyed-blond mullets, romantic throuples, wild cats and a shocking absence of primary teeth had us clasping our hands over our mouths on a nightly basis. The whole thing was repulsive and mesmerising all at the same time, with really not a single sympathetic character among the lot of them.
The only regret I have about watching it is that I can now no longer stand in judgment of anyone over the questionable things they watch. My dear friend Carol Rouse, often a defendant in such trials, pounced like one of the aforementioned tigers as soon as she discovered that I had fallen prey to Joe Exotic’s charms. I tried to explain to her that it was much more esoteric stuff than the lives of the Kardashians or the antics of Flava Flav, but she was having none of it. The coronavirus has created some cruel bedfellows.
After recovering from exposure to the ‘Tiger King’, I retreated to the comfort of the familiar. ‘The Godfather’, ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and ‘Tommy Boy’ welcomed me like old friends. I also dug up my DVD of ‘The Matchmaker’, a 1997 film starring Janeane Garofalo and set almost entirely in Ireland. It took me back to a trip Lynne and I made to the Emerald Isle years ago, which included a few nights in Lisdoonvarna for its annual Matchmaking Festival. I’ll have to tell you about that some other time – it’s a column all on its own. Suffice it to say that neither of us came away with husbands, but we both had a fresh appreciation for the stamina of the Irish. People twice our age were already dancing when we rolled down for breakfast and still going as we retired to our hotel room in the wee hours of the morn.
If you’re a movie lover, as I am, you’ll probably know that Tuesday is usually the main day of the week when iTunes reveals the newest additions to its offerings. By Tuesday this week, I had pretty much exhausted everything I was willing to watch, and was keen to see what Apple had to entice me. As I scrolled through the different rows and my eyes scanned the titles in rapid succession, I suddenly screeched to a halt at row eight, film three: ‘Butt Boy’. Why? Because this was the description: “Detective Fox loves work and alcohol. After he goes to AA, his sponsor, Chip, becomes the main suspect of his investigation for a missing kid. Fox believes people are disappearing up Chip’s butt.”
Please, God, someone find a vaccine for this thing, and soon.
Related Videos
