Wheaton’s Way

I lost my temper a few weeks ago – never something I’m thrilled about, but boy, I don’t think any jury would convict me.

I was hosting karaoke at Fidel Murphy’s on a Friday night and, for at least an hour, a drunken boor was ‘standing’ in front of the stage, randomly yelling “Booooo… Booooo… ” while slopping his pint everywhere. Near the end of the evening, I called up the next person on the list to sing, and he dragged this same guy up to join him, who proceeded to stretch the microphone cord as much as he could, followed by refusing to give it back to me at the end of the song.

I may or may not have employed several colourful metaphors as I puffed up to my full collar size like a dinosaur with a second act, and grabbed my equipment from him, banishing him from the stage.

I could see the faces around the room acknowledging the exchange with a mix of expressions, as I gathered myself, and sweetly said, “Next up, an absolute classic from ABBA – ‘Dancing Queen’ by Cathy. Cathy?” Mr. Hyde was back in his box.

Now, there were probably some there that night that thought, “Gee, Vicki always seemed so fun but, apparently, she can be a right cow.” They’d be correct… to an extent. We’re none of us perfect, and we all have our moments, but it really is rotten when an entertainer has to put up with nonsense when all they’re trying to do is make an evening fun for everyone. I was trying to remember when I last saw a grown man or woman in a bank, lawyer’s office or supermarket, standing and booing at staff. The House of Commons is an exception.

Any of us who have enjoyed the world of performing or being on stage have, at one point or the other, had to deal with hecklers or rude audiences. Add alcohol to the mix, and suddenly you’re dealing with slurring, self-appointed experts who are desperate to impart their wisdom upon you. DJs who were hired for their talents and ability to read a crowd get randoms approaching them throughout the night asking them to switch up what they’re playing. Five minutes later, after fulfilling one request, another person comes up asking what the heck that song just was, and wouldn’t this one be better?

I remember years ago, when I was singing with a band and we were hired for a company Christmas party, it turned into an evening of feeling like human jukeboxes, and we couldn’t please everyone, no matter how hard we tried. The office committee members who had hired us loved the kind of music we usually played (rock, pop and the like) but a large percentage wanted country, soca and reggae. It all began with polite suggestions, but as the rum flowed, so the bloom came right off the rose. We actually had someone come up and say, “I HATE your music.” Well, Joyeux Noël to you too.

Stand-up comedy is another prime example. A brief, well-timed, witty heckle is one thing – a frustrated wannabe in the front row is a whole ‘nother. Some audience members are under the illusion that they are ‘helping’ by shouting out comments throughout the show. Not so much. Reminds me of the ‘Seinfeld’ episode when Kramer takes his girlfriend Toby to see Jerry’s act, she ruins the night, and Jerry gets the ‘ultimate comedian’s revenge’ by going to her office at Pendant Publishing to heckle her.

Why is it that there are some occupations that seem to bring out the worst of humanity? Servers and bartenders will tell you the same. Maybe a dish takes a while to get to your table, or there’s a mistake in the order. Hopefully most people will be understanding about it, but there’s always a contingent that will lash out at the front-of-house person (whose fault it may not be) and turn their night from merry to miserable. Bartenders dealing with inebriated punters can also be in their own private hell when there are yelled orders, snapped fingers and that joy-of-all-joys, fending off unwanted advances.

Those who choose to work in the hospitality industry do so because the pay can be good, but they also like being interactive and social. Many a resume will list them as being ‘a people person’. Unfortunately, they can’t specify exactly what kind of people – you have to take the good with the bad.

I don’t host karaoke for the money (Note to Fidel’s: I’d still like to be paid), or the extraordinary social status it brings me (“See that woman walking there? She is a KARAOKE HOST! Forget Adele… ”). I do it because I love singing and being entertaining. I crave the stage. I could just do without the swinging of the microphone on the cable you won’t have to replace after you’ve wrecked it; or bringing up a full pint of beer, and hovering over my laptop with it; or staggering up, plonking your a** down on my iPhone and handbag in my personal space, and berating my eardrums because I can’t fit you in for a song when you showed up 10 minutes before my finish time.

As we enter the festive season, it would be nice if everyone took a moment to appreciate the jobs that entertainers and those in the hospitality industry do. Just because they aren’t sitting behind a desk in a suit and tie doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect and good manners as other professions. How about a hearty dose of peace on Earth, goodwill to all?

I’ll try to practise the same… but boo me again, and I’ll have “all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile”. Sing it with me.