Wheaton’s Way

I read two news stories last week that had me rolling my eyes.

They were completely unrelated subjects, and yet one made about as much sense as the other, as far as I was concerned.

The first was about United Airlines’ new boarding process. I was genuinely curious to see if, finally, someone had cracked the code to this odious travelling necessity, so I opened the article. Apparently (hang onto your good selves), United was now going to give window seat passengers priority to board in economy class. Believe it or not, this was going to create seven boarding groups, once unaccompanied minors, first and business class, and the multiple levels of cattle-class seats were also taken into account. In case you’re curious to know who is the absolute bottom of the barrel; the last cookie in the jar; the one whose jacket might get caught in the hull door if they don’t hustle when their group number is finally called: It’s anyone flying basic economy or with a boarding pass that doesn’t even have a group number on it.

Now, we might think that windows-first could make sense – they don’t have to climb over hasty aisle-or-middleseaters – but that’s if it works in practice. Anyone who has flown since the airlines dropped the every-man-for-himself boarding method will know that as soon as the gate agent clears their throat over the microphone, the passengers rise like meerkats and cram into a group, blocking the roped pathway to the jet bridge. What was it that Russell Crowe yelled to his fellow fighters in ‘Gladiator’ so they created an impenetrable wall in the Circus Maximus? “As one!!!” Yeah… like that.

I’m usually in a fairly early boarding group, and I hate running the gauntlet past those people. I like getting on the plane before others, but I feel guilty about it… so I’m not really a good person or anything. I think it reminds me of when we went to nightclubs in the US and Toronto, where we were always the ones waiting in line while the great-and-the-good swanned past; winked at the bouncer; and got waved in. The whole hierarchy thing just seems wrong in general (so long as I can still board first), but it also just doesn’t work. You have to sometimes shove your way to the agent, or try to catch a sneak peek of the group number of the person in your way so you can announce with confidence that you’re ahead of them. It’s a very awkward manouevre. Of course, the reason everyone wants to board quickly is to get on their dance shoes for the Overhead Bin Boogie. It wouldn’t matter if they had 20 boarding groups (“Calling boarding group 11 – all passengers with pink clothes and a moustache”) because eager beavers would still block the way.

My favourite part of the article? “Officials wrote in the memo that the [new] process would save the airline up to two minutes of boarding time.”

Well, shut ma mouth. Two whole minutes?

Anyway, let’s move on from that nonsense to address the second story: The world has a new hottest pepper! If you are one of the few people who has been anxiously awaiting the latest product to render your tub of TUMS absolutely useless, your prayers have been answered.

Ed Currie, an expert on all things spicy, has created a very ‘hot’ commodity that supposedly makes the famed Carolina Reaper seem perfectly mild in comparison. Boasting a Scoville rating of 2.69 million (a Jalapeño ranges between 2,500-8,000, to give you some perspective), Pepper X, as it’s called, offers crazy, bonkers heat.

When its creator, after eating one, says, “I was feeling the heat for three-and-ahalf hours. Then the cramps came. Those cramps are horrible. I was laid out flat on a marble wall for approximately an hour in the rain, groaning in pain”, many might wonder if this is really the comestible for them. Indeed, why might anyone ingest such a thing in the first place? Was Napalm not readily available?

I subsequently watched a YouTube video of Currie and a group of other men – who apparently view their intestines as purely ornamental – munch down on Pepper X. I found it amusing that anyone spoke about ‘flavour’. Seriously? If your ears are screaming, your face skin is suddenly three sizes too tight, and your throat feels like you’ve swallowed thin shards of glass, are you really going to talk about “getting notes of elderberry… ”? It’s not that I don’t get the challenge of making something groundbreaking, but do we really have to eat it? It was particularly interesting to learn that Currie had to fiercely protect his pepper seeds, because others were desperate to get their hands on them.

Speaking as someone who has an incredibly low tolerance of spicy food, I’m surprised there is any kind of market for a pepper this hot, save for frat house shenanigans and bachelor parties.

“Fred’s getting married in the morning! Grind that Pepper X into some vodka and
let’s get this celebration started!”

So, in conclusion, I realise that United Airlines’ radical new boarding policy and a lava-level pepper announcement are completely unrelated stories, but my reaction to both was the same: Why?

Maybe somehow combining the two is the key. Give the later boarding group passengers a sliver of Pepper X just before the gate opens, and see how keen they are to shove their way aboard a plane with two toilets the size of shoeboxes. We could be onto something here…