Whenever I see ads on TV of a smiling – nay, deliriously happy – couple being handed the keys to their new home, I roll my eyes and reach for the whisky.
Friends of mine are in the process of buying a place, and it’s brought back all the memories of when I bought my first home. By the time I’d gone through the financial colonoscopy required in order to secure a loan, and submitted a hefty sheaf of papers that drew envious stares from those pursuing a doctorate, getting the keys was an underwhelming ritual at the end of a long and emotional rollercoaster.
Boy, I was green as the grass back then. I was also a relatively late bloomer – buying at 40. Nothing relentlessly drives home your age like mortgage payment terms.
“… and as we can only give you until your official retirement date… ”
Once I had made the decision to buy a home, it wasn’t long before I found the perfect candidate. Mentally rubbing my hands together, I prepared to get stuck in. Surely I would be in situ within a few weeks. Ha! Green, I tell ya.
You don’t realise the amount of inspections, papers, emails and calls you have to make once you embark on this journey. Of course, knowledgeable real estate agents can really help, but there are some things you have to do yourself. You know when you have a mechanic look at a secondhand car before you buy it? Well, a home inspection is like that, times a million. And you want it to be, because most people get less time in the biggest purchase of their lives than in that 2018 Subaru they test-drove for a day.
A good home inspector should go over every inch of the property, checking for water leaks and uneven floors, and crawling through A/C ducts like Indiana Jones hunting for Odin’s mystical eye. Thou shalt have every condenser and air handler thoroughly tested, lest ye cry a waterfall of tears ‘pon the next stifling summer. Trust me.
Next, mentally ready yourself to approach the banks. I have to say, for my last mortgage, I was incredibly lucky to be assigned to amazing loan officer Maureen Watler, who unfortunately retired fairly recently. I don’t get why she couldn’t work until she was 90. Sigh… it’s always the good ones.
Anyway, back to banks and all that they require. For my first mortgage, I didn’t already have an account with the institution I chose, so that took the amount of forms to a bananas level. If I thought I could have got the services for free, I would have seriously considered dating a notary public. Passports, employment letters, marital status, an affidavit stating I had no links to a communist party… whenever I thought I had everything filled in, there was another form to follow and more notarising needed.
“Oh, well, if you had green eyes, you wouldn’t have to complete form A49B, but as yours are the colour of brown corduroy, you have to complete this, this, and this field, and state that you won’t wear tinted contact lenses for the first five years of your mortgage… ”
Of course I’m exaggerating, but anyone who has been through the process of buying a house knows whence comes my dramatic take on those memorable weeks.
A professional has to visit the property and give a valuation, which directly affects the amount of money you can borrow, plus you have to go through planning documents related to the house or condo you’re buying, to make sure that building your dream chicken coop in the back garden isn’t verboten. And don’t forget the inclusion of required legal services, not to mention stamp duty unless you qualify for that to be waived.
Yessir, when I first officially entered the realm of home ownership, I really didn’t know what I was doing. Despite being a strong personality, I didn’t speak up when I should have, and took people’s words for things because I figured they were the experts and I was inexperienced.
If there are key points I’ve learned over the years, they are to make sure you’re dealing with a well-established, reputable real estate agent, and the same goes for a house inspector. Don’t be afraid to question anything – this is a lot of money we’re talking about, and it’s yours. Be ready to walk away if you have to – I was bad for getting emotionally attached to a property and, much like my dating history, felt I could fix whatever was wrong, despite all the alarm bells ringing two inches from my face.
“I know your roof is dodgy and the toilet plumbing doesn’t seem to be emptying into any discernible sewage system, but we can work this out if you just give us a chance!”
Negotiate – you don’t ask, you don’t get; and don’t make any rash decisions. In the end, once you’re moved in and it’s all yours, it can be absolutely wonderful, but the path to home ownership can be a winding one, so arm yourself with the necessary tools and knowledge to make the journey as smooth as possible. Advocate for yourself and be surrounded by professionals you trust, preferably recommended by those who have used them before… and have a notary on speed dial.
As the Baz Luhrmann hit ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’ might have ended: ‘But trust me on the air-conditioning’.
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