G’day my precious darlings,
I have just returned from a week of serious international investigation, and I can tell you I have finally uncovered the explanation for every ill besetting Britain, and solved Britain’s crime and money laundering problem. No, my dears, don’t be silly, not by looking in Britain, that would be simply ridiculous. No, I watched three old BBC documentaries, read half a Guardian article, one Financial Times expose on something they call a “tax haven” and eavesdropped on two bankers sitting in front of me in first class. Well, what I learned nearly caused me to swallow my olive.
The problem, my treasures, is not the UK Parliament, not the failure to apply UK law, not the UK Regulators, not the UK Solicitors, not UK Estate Agents and certainly not UK Banks. And not His Majesty’s Government that collects simply oodles of criminal or sanctioned proceeds once it comes back freshly laundered as something called stamp duty. No sweethearts; the culprit is 4,800 miles away and it’s called ‘offshore’.
My evidence is impeccable. And the beauty part is that whenever you hear the word ‘offshore’, you immediately stop asking any further questions. It’s like hearing the word ‘cheesecake’. Once you’ve heard it, you’ve already made your decision.
You see, darlings, just like cheesecake this is all too delicious. Whenever another 75-million-pound townhouse is bought in Mayfair it now gives me a soapbox from which to pontificate and virtue signal about my relentless hunt for the truth in other people’s tax affairs and wrongdoings and avoids anyone looking too closely at mine. This allows everyone here in Britain to carry on exactly as before.
Yes, the word ‘offshore’ does the trick every time. Just look at the distinguished commentators who solemnly whisper the word as if they’re revealing the identity of the masked murderer in the final act. ‘Offshore’ … cue the dramatic music. Nobody notices that the house was bought on the other side of the street from Harrods. Yes, Possums, we hear that the Cayman Islands enabled it. Enabled what exactly, you may ask? Britain permitting someone to purchase British property under British law through British professionals. Exactly; but this is the part where you just need to switch your focus to picture that secret council meeting in George Town, with compliance officers in their simply gorgeous tropical shirts leaning over maps of Knightsbridge. “Raise that townhouse another 15 million quid.“ “Very good, Chairman Coconut.” And then come the newspaper headlines. Anonymous owner buys 90-million-pound mansion. Anonymous? Really? How extraordinary. Did nobody think to ask who it might be before handing over the keys? Apparently not but never mind. Altogether too radical a thought and why bother? There’s a Caribbean island available for immediate blame, which suits the results of my investigation infinitely better.
You really have to think of it like a blame relay race. Responsibility begins in Britain, laundered money passes through several banks, a procession of accountants, solicitors, estate agents, regulators and HMRC and then just before the finish line someone hurls a baton across the Atlantic with spectacular athleticism, points a perfectly manicured finger towards the Caribbean and concludes, “It was all them”. I can tell you that if “Blame Deflection” was a movie Britain, it would win the Oscar for the best film ever.
Now, Possums, in my investigation, I’ve been told, but frankly it ruins a perfectly good prejudice, that Cayman has one of the most developed financial regulatory systems in the offshore and onshore world. Compliance officers, anti-money laundering checks, international cooperation, information sharing, reporting, obligations. Honestly. Who invited responsibility to the party? Precious ones, let’s picture again these poor compliance officers sitting in their simply charming thatched offices, under gently swaying palm trees endlessly asking for documentation, proof of funds, beneficial ownership, declarations and certified evidence, all of which is available to English law enforcement and tax authorities, whilst here in Westminster, somebody says, “splendid, now let’s blame them anyway.” One almost wants to send a bouquet of gladioli, and I say fair dinkum because as for me, I simply adore this line of reasoning. If someone double parks badly in Knightsbridge, we should blame Bermuda. If the Underground is delayed, clearly Luxembourg is responsible. And if Wimbledon is rained off, no doubt we’ll discover that the Cayman Islands forgot to issue a cloud licence.
Can you imagine, my dears, one somebody actually tried to tell me that the Cayman Islands has an internationally recognized regulatory framework and cooperates extensively with overseas authorities, exchanges financial information, enforces anti-money laundering rules, and requires rigorous compliance. How frightfully awkward for my conclusions. I think we all agree that facts can be so dreadfully unsporting. But we must never let reality spoil our own truth and destroy a perfectly satisfying accusation. Why examine the conduct of those who actually received the criminal proceeds and laundered money, when we can blame the island with palm trees. Palm trees are, you see, so wonderfully photogenic don’t you agree? Just ask that little ripper of an editor of the Financial Times. He has a filing cabinet full of artfully taken piccies of them which he publishes from time to time as absolute proof of this offshore wickedness.
But my dearest friends, I feel that the most truly remarkable accomplishment of my investigation, and the part which firmly establishes me as the global anti-corruption megastar, is to portray Britain in all of this as an innocent bystander when the transactions are conducted under British law, through British institutions, involving British assets. A close friend of mine once said. “Never complain, never explain”, and that is such good advice for every UK legislator. Now speaking purely personally I find that if brains were dynamite most of them wouldn’t have enough to blow their wigs off, but my dears, if you are engaged in a conversation with one of them, or it could be anybody infinitely less intelligent than you who insists that every expensive London property purchased with criminal proceeds and laundered money is somehow the fault of the Cayman Islands, simply smile politely and do not ask a terribly unfashionable question: Who actually approved the purchase, who handled the funds, who completed the conveyance, and under whose laws did it all occur?
And under no circumstances tell him he’s dreamin’ or admit that whilst Cayman keeps verified beneficiary ownership records documented and checked, accessible to all authorities through proper channels, that our very own regulatory wizards in Companies House, many of whom are clearly a few roos loose in the top paddock, quite routinely allow vast property holdings to be owned by Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck, while Scooby-Doo apparently holds the keys to most of Mayfair.
Well now, my gorgeous Possums, there you have it. I know what you’re thinking; Surely the jurisdiction where the money actually enters and changes hands has the responsibility but no, let’s not bring any logic, law or common sense into it. I have worked very hard in my investigation to avoid any such thoughts.
Anthony Travers
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