Communication; one word, 12 letters, sounds easy doesn’t it? However, the quality of the communication between couples is one of the major factors that can make or break a relationship.
With Valentine’s Day almost here, it’s the one day when even if we aren’t naturally romantic communicators or openly demonstrative, we are expected to be.
The pressure is on! Given our busy schedules, work and family commitments can encroach on the time we spend with our partners, and time alone is limited. So, given these stresses is it any wonder that small issues can turn into miscommunication, resentment and potential arguments.
As children, we learn how to communicate from the adult role models around us. Despite the many different cultures in Cayman, each family has its own culture and way of communicating.
If you grew up in a house where people didn’t talk about ‘real’ issues and tended to ‘brush things under the carpet’, then being expected to be open regarding your inner thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas can feel uncomfortable and unnatural.
Likewise, if your family members are real talkers and always ‘put everything out there’ then to find yourself in a relationship where feelings are hidden or not discussed will feel strange.
Therefore, it’s easy to see how a conflict between partners can occur when we have different communication styles and expectations.
For an equitable and respectful relationship, there has to be trust between a couple, i.e. trust that your partner will always support you, never intentionally hurt you and essentially ‘have your back’. Without this kind of trust, communication is unlikely to be open and honest.
If we are unsure of our partner then we may edit what we say, keep things back or look for hidden meanings in our partner’s response.
With trust it’s much easier to be open and honest, why not; what is there to lose? But, if you are unsure of your partner’s intentions then this makes us naturally guarded and wary.
So, next time you find yourself falling out with your partner, go back and look at yourself and your communication style. Ask yourself, “am I being open and honest”, “does what I’m saying match my intention , or am I perhaps being vague, using sarcasm or ill-placed humour which will result in misinterpretation?”
Dr. John Gottman, the respected researcher and marital therapist with more than 40 years experience, identified four harmful behaviours which he says can predict a fast-track to divorce. Dr. Gottman refers to them as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” because of their destructive powers. They are;
Criticism – by attacking your partner’s personality or character, often with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. Example would be, generalisations such as “you always …”, “you never …”, “you’re the type of person who …” “Why are you so …?”
Contempt – which attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to hurt or psychologically abuse your partner. This includes insults, name-calling, using sarcasm, showing contempt in body language such as tone of voice, sneering, rolling your eyes, kissing your teeth.
Defensiveness – seeing yourself as the victim to ward off personal attack. Examples of this are making excuses, “it’s not my fault, I didn’t”, when you know it was and don’t want to admit responsibility, cross-complain by meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own therefore ignoring what your partner said. ‘Yes–butting’, start agreeing but end up disagreeing Repeating yourself and whining are other examples of defensiveness.
Stonewalling – withdrawing from the relationship in order to conflict which rather than taking a neutral stance smacks of disapproval, separation, creates a cool distance and/or attitude of being smug. Examples of this are stony silence, leaving, ‘silent treatment’ changing the subject and monosyllabic muttering.
Dr. Gottman suggests ‘antidotes’ to these which encourage an honest and open dialogue, where each person is accountable and is working towards a more positive sentiment between the two of you.
This means making the shift from criticism to showing your appreciation, making at least 5 times more positive statements than negative. Try to make specific requests and complaints, with no hidden agenda or room for misinterpretation.
For example, “when X happened, I felt Y, and I wanted Z”. Conscious communication means speaking the truth but also learning to listen. Too often we are planning our response, before our partner has finished speaking and therefore don’t really hear what they’re saying.
Emma Roberts is a counsellor with the Employee Assistance Programme of the Cayman Islands. For more information contact the EAP at 949-9559.
One way of demonstrating we are listening is to validate their feelings, for example by saying, “I can understand why you may feel like that”.
Achieving good communication with our loved one is often a work in progress, but be honest with yourself, be accountable and learn from your mistakes.
There is no magic remedy or quick fix, and counselling can help, but the first thing you both need is love and the will to build on what you have.
Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at EAP.
Emma Roberts is a counsellor with the Employee Assistance Programme of the Cayman Islands. For more information contact the EAP at 949-9559.
Related Videos
