You’re driving me insane – so back off

I have circled the world several times. Visited Europe, the Pacific and the cold territories of northern Canada. I have travelled with a vengeance and I love it. On the other hand there’s one direction I’d rather never go if I didn’t have to – that’s George Town. Why George Town? Because to get there I have to deal with annoying tailgaters and there’s nothing that irritates me more than the drivers that are a couple of feet from your rear bumper. If you are one of them keep this in mind: Jesus loves you, but I don’t, so back off.

Yes that’s me, I confess. The one that drives around in a green Suzuki with the back wheel cover that depicts an image if Clint Eastwood pointing his 44- magnum and in bold letters it says Back Off Jerk! If you are close enough to my bumper to read the words Back Off Jerk you are simply too close and if you don’t back off I will take revenge.

No, I won’t shoot you or turn to road rage; I’ll just slow down to 5 mph. Believe it or not that tactic usually works, when it doesn’t I slightly press the break pedal to illuminate my brake lights, this approach is a sure irritator. I know when I’ve completely peeved off the aggressive driver because they start honking at me and madly waving their hands – hands that should be on the steering wheel. When they pass me they’ll and give me the middle finger (I’ve seen more middle fingers than a manicurist) and they’ll swear like a drunk. know because I can see them out of the corner of my eye. I pretend not to notice them; I’ll be singing and smoking a cigar.

How long is a length?

The law is not clear in my opinion. I heard a police inspector once say on radio that one needs to be a car length behind the auto in front of them. What does that mean? Cars come in different categories. There are stretch limos and Volkswagens and when you’re travelling at 40 or 50mph no matter the length of your car you could smash into the back of my car when I brake for an iguana – I brake for Iguanas, chickens and dogs, oh and children too. Now on the other hand if you are tailgating me and I’m driving 5mph my chances of survival are good, and your chances of getting sued when I scream “whiplash” are even better.

What’s your rush?? You’re not an ambulance or the police; if you were I’d pull over. You’re just some clown who is in a hurry to go nowhere. When you do pass me you usually travel no more than 100 feet before you need to slow down again for oncoming traffic at a roundabout.

Impatience is a very human tendency, but some people are just lousy drivers. Then there’s those who think tailgating gives them power since they have no power in their lives and others that are just plain rude. But again, what’s your rush?

The upside to this story is that I get many compliments on my “Back Off Jerk” wheel cover.

However that’s usually in some parking lot when they and I aren’t driving.

Born in the shadow of the Bavarian Alps, he loves palm trees, sandy beaches and tropical sun. He doesn’t know an E flat from an A minor, but he’s composed about 2,000 songs and recorded 500. Although he grew up in German schools and paid little attention as a teenager in U.S. English classes, he’s written two books in English. He’s a tropical beachcomber, Caribbean roamer, Chasin’ dreams and fulfilling fantasies. You can contact Barefoot at [email protected]

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