Wheaton’s Way: Ma’am in Miami

As I mentioned in my previous column, I took a recent trip to the UK. On my return, despite the fact that Global Entry is currently on suspension, I decided to brave Miami airport rather than take the direct flight back to Cayman.

My BFF, Lynne, was flying up from the island and we would spend a few days in the city before heading home.

Global Entry has been a godsend over the years, and you want every tool in your arsenal when it comes to MIA or the likes of JFK. When I heard the programme was on hiatus, I began to wish I’d booked back through Kansas or something, but luckily a friend switched me on to the Mobile Passport Control (MPC) app. Download it – take it from me. Saved my bacon.

When we’re in Miami, we usually stay at the JW Marriott Marquis downtown. Over the years, I’ve followed the rite of passage necessary to figure out where you really want to stay in Miami. I remember the early days of booking in Kendall. Why? Because that’s where Dadeland Mall lived. The nearby Marriott was well familiar with people from Cayman. Arrive with empty suitcases; leave with bulging bags that hopefully weren’t over the weight limit. Was I the only one repacking a case out the back of a rented SUV before heading to the airport?

It took a while before we discovered that Kendall went pretty quiet at night. When The Cheesecake Factory (or was it Ruby Tuesday’s back then?) became the local hotspot, we started looking further afield.

Next was South Beach, with its art deco buildings and colourful bars and clubs. Despite still being the age where the idea of hitting a club after a bar didn’t seem utterly cray-cray, I never went to one there. We liked getting a table by the street and watching the passers-by. We paid more than I liked for a hotel that was on the beach, and then we wondered why we were spending that kind of money. It couldn’t hold a candle to Seven Mile Beach and not once did we put our toes in the sand. From then on, we booked on Washington Ave. Less expensive and a stone’s throw from the action.

I can’t recall exactly when downtown began to call, but ever since we discovered it, that is our area of choice. We like the JW because we tried a couple of other hotels that made us feel like old-timers. I’d be tripping over would-be influencers as we made our way to the check-in desk, and more than once, we’d walk into rooms that boasted more than a hint of the ol’ Mary Jane.

On this trip, however, the JW was booked out. Turns out we were in town right around the time of the US Open – our timing is always impeccable. So, I decided we would try EAST in Brickell for the first time. We’d gone to its popular rooftop bar – Sugar – in the past, but never stayed there. Lynne was having slight palpitations about being separated from her beloved Whole Foods, but tried to embrace the change.

If you’ve been to EAST, you’ll know that it’s hip, trendy, and a favourite of young businesspeople as well as, apparently, supermodels and the great-and-the-good, who wouldn’t be caught dead driving a run-of-the-mill vehicle. Don’t talk to them about reliable transportation. Not the point.

As soon as we rocked up, I could see we were in the land of the beautiful people. The staff could not have been more warm and welcoming, but each “ma’am” and “dear” reinforced the fact that we were ladies in our age group. Didn’t help that I’d just come off a transatlantic flight, eyes bloodshot, wearing ‘comfortable’ travel clothing.

For that reason alone, when we were offered a discounted upgrade, I took it. Yes, I’d show them we belonged there. One of my earlier Miami trip habits was to rent a car straight from the airport and return it back there when we were leaving. These days, we Uber to our hotel and I only rent a car for a short while. Why? Because by the time you add up the price of the rental and the valet parking, you might as well hire a private car and driver for the day. We work out what shops we have to visit in person; use the car for those; and then return it downtown.

The only disadvantage to this is that depots outside the airport have limited vehicles in stock, as we found out when we got to the desk at Enterprise.

I had reserved a midsize SUV, but there wasn’t one at the facility and we’d “probably only have to wait 15-20 minutes”. Son, never kid a kidder.

“We don’t want to wait – what do you have instead?” I asked, dreading a compact car. I do not have a compact bummage build.

“We’ve got a minivan ready to go,” the agent said brightly.

Well, this was certainly going to cement our reputations at EAST.

We reluctantly accepted the offer, and hit the I-95 in our sweet, blinding white ride, ready to do some damage at the mall.

We didn’t have much luck at Macy’s, but the Michael’s craft store delivered, along with Target and PetSmart. Lemme tell ya, when we pulled up to valet at the end of the day and asked for a bellman to transport our bags to the room, while ladies in stunning outfits and heels sashayed past carrying Chanel, Louis Vuitton and Fendi, the staff knew we were somebody.

“Careful, watch all the beads in the Michael’s bags!” I warned the bellman, who was completely distracted by a bevvy of women moving past us in unison.

Yes, watch the beads… I felt like one of Melissa McCarthy’s undercover characters in ‘Spy’. Love me some decoupage.

When all the bags had been removed, I turned to the valet.

“Do I give the keys to you or leave them in the car?”

“You can give them to me, dear, don’t worry.”

Le sigh. Just hand me my walking stick and I’ll be outta here.

We always try one new thing in Miami when we go there, and this time was no different. I had read about the burlesque show ‘Obsession’ in the Faena hotel in Miami Beach, so I booked. It was a fabulous night out. The lobby of the hotel alone is worth the trip. Like so many other properties in Miami Beach, it is grand, opulent and makes a statement.

The theatre was absolutely drenched in red – the walls, the draperies, the chairs … with a massive crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. With a capacity of only 150, it was a very intimate setting, and I had plumped for one of the VIP tables near the front with two chairs. No sharesies with others.

There was a food menu with good variety, and a tasty list of cocktails. Items were … uncheap, but if you’ve attended the theatre in New York and paid umpteen dollars for a bucket of popcorn, the rates will be familiar.

The production that followed was old-school burlesque theatre with some very impressive acrobatics, all anchored by the fantastic host, Sophia Bollman. Bollman, who has previously featured on NBC’s ‘The Voice’ (Team Miley Cyrus) and contributed to Beyoncé’s Coachella performance has some seriously amazing pipes. She also brings her humour and boundless energy to the stage, elevating the experience for the audience.

Violinist Kostia Lucky was also something to behold, as he flew into the crowd, belting out tunes with gusto.

I loved the retro, speakeasy features of the show. For example, the aerialists were hoisted by a rope running through a pulley system, operated by a rather muscular gentleman at side stage. No automated machinery, no modern mechanics …

‘Obsession’ is not for kids (18-and-older only); Lynne leaned over at one point and noted, “Those ladies have been waxed within an inch of their lives.” There’s no nudity, but if the costumes were priced out by material alone, they would probably set you back the same amount as a Snickers bar. These days, we’ve honestly seen worse at the beach, or Hollywood awards shows.

It was not an inexpensive night out, but we really had a great time. The Latvian woman sitting next to me, who had been a bit stiff at the start, was downright gushing over everything by the end. The Champagne might have helped.

We got a fancy Uber SUV back to EAST. It felt like the right choice after such an evening.

As we pulled up to the front of the hotel, a bellman stepped forward to help me out of the vehicle.

“Here ma’am, watch your step now, easy does it.”

Bloody minivan.