The smoking Tempura gun

Following the recent denial of a
request made to the Information Commissioner under the Freedom Of Information
Law for the release of the Operation Tempura report drafted by former Tempura
chief Martin Bridger, a transcript of a double secret telephone conversation
has surfaced purported to be the “smoking gun” for the initiation of the
investigation (*wink* *wink* Not really).

One ringy-dingy…  two ringy-dingies…

“Hello.”

“EH-LOO STUEY MY BOY, HANLEY HERE!”

“Yes Sir, I know, you are the only
one who calls on the red phone. What can I do for you today? And Sir, please
there’s no need to shout.”

“Quite. How are things going down
there? Tired of coconuts and bananas yet old chap?”

Muffled audio, “Not as tired as I
am of you, you (inaudible) muppet.”

“What’s that you say? Speak up man.
This jungle connection is the dog’s breakfast.”

“Nothing Sir, it is actually quite
nice here. The accommodations are, shall we say, a bit rustic, but the location
is the bees’ knees, right on the beach. I’m swimming every morning and that
embarrassing rash I’ve had since Zimbabwe is completely gone. My wife says I
look like George Hamilton with my new tan.”

“Smashing, Stuey. But let’s get
down to business shall we. I believe the cones of silence are in order.”

“Uh, Sir, do you really think the
cones of silence are required?

Sound of motorized cone of silence
descending.

“Sir? Hello? HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME
NOW? HELLO!”

Sound of motorized cone of silence
ascending.

“…oody contraption. Q!, Q! I say,
when will these infernal cones of silence be fixed! I can’t hear a thing.
STUEY! ARE YOU THERE?!”

“Yes Sir. I’m still here.”

“Splendid, we’ll just have to be a
little careful about what we say without the cones of silence. Do you
understand?

“Yes Sir.”

“Now then, how are you managing
with those wo… uh, pyg… uh that is to say yardies? The one they call the
hamburger? A bit of a handful, what?”

“’Big Mac, Sir. And Sir, you may
wish to note I’m not in Jamaica.”

“Look here, Stuey, the Office has
directed that corruption in the OTs be addressed immediately. They want
something done A-sap.”

“Yes Sir. But quite honestly there
doesn’t seem to be a major problem here with that sort of thing.”

“Rubbish man. Don’t be silly. The
place is rife with corruption. They all are. Why in Turks the sludge is eyeball
deep to a giraffe.”

“Gormless (inaudible) twit.”

“What’s that Stuey? You’re breaking
up again.”

“As you say Sir.”

“Dig up some muck right away and
let’s get cracking on this one. Those luvvies at the Office won’t wait on this.”

Click and dialtone.

Long, loud sigh.

“Butter muffin, luv? Can you rub
some lotion on my back. I’m going for a swim.”

Gregory
S. McTaggart

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