Research shows great news for slapheads, gold lovers

Bald men, so the old wives’ tale goes, are more virile. But if that truly is the case, why are there so many baldness “cures”?

From re-seeding the receding to follicle transplants via mud packs and spray paint, there’s a huge industry which, as humans like to do, tells us we’re unnatural for being natural.

Still, bolos heads can be somewhat comforted by a University of Pennsylvania study by the Wharton School of Business. Researcher Albert “Lion” Mannes showed 344 people photos of the same man, one with hair and the other with a photoshopped slaphead. Subjects apparently perceived the shinybonces as more dominant. Thinning hair was seen as least attractive and powerful so make like Bruce Willis and reach for the clippers. A propos of nothing, Weekender has a full head of grey-as-night hair. Which probably explains a lot.

Let’s face it; the world is not just as preposterous as you can imagine, but more preposterous than anyone could ever imagine imagining. Somewhere in the multiverse a six-faced, oozing, 15-dimensioned purple-fire dark energy version of Terry Pratchett is (doing the quantum-field equivalent of) writing a series of novels about us, but failing to get a book deal due to the content being too far fetched.

Exhibit 2,328: scientists at University of Canterbury have created electric logs. Electric logs. Electric. Logs. Apparently it’s to do with killing pests on logs that are exported. Now far be it from us to chuck water on the idea (we’d get electrocuted) but having grown up in Northern Europe, Weekender has viewed these things already. They’re on most 1980s electric fires.

Proper alchemy, kid

Green! I have discovered purest green! So said wannabe alchemist Lord Percy in one of the more memorable episodes in a rather excellent series called Blackadder II. Watch it if you haven’t already. It’s pretty good and Weekender’s wife thinks Rowan Atkinson is fit in it. Yes, that Rowan Atkinson, aka Mr. Bean. The one who looks like a human version of Mr. Potato Head, if his face was put on inside out due to a mixup at the fizzgog factory. At 4pm. On the last Friday before Christmas. After a gallon of mulled wine. Anwyay turns out that rather than performing dangerous experiments at high temperatures, Percy should have reached for the Cupriavidus Metallidurans bacteria which eats gold chlroride and excretes 99.9 per cent pure gold. Cool work there by Adam Brown and Kazem Kashefi at Michigan State University, not just for their awesome science skills, but for managing to score the research grant to do it in the first place. That’s proper alchemy, that is.

As is the work of the Naval Research Laboratory of the United States. According to oilprice.com, the United States Navy has designed a system which harvests carbon dioxide and hydrogen from seawater to create fuel. It’s better to do this using water rather than air due to the higher concentration of CO2 and ultimately it looks like it could cost as little as $3 a gallon. Now all they have to do is sell the patent to Big Oil, who will then lock it in a safe along with all the other clean-energy systems like cars that run on water, self-powered hoverboards and mind-controlled trousers which they’ve been buying up for years in order to keep their monopoly. Fact!

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