The driest day of the decade

For some of us one of the worst days in a long time happened this week. It was parched and dry; spit felt like Elmer’s glue. We couldn’t find anything to drink, nothing nada the empty set, what was happening?

It was be horrible long and scary with gnashing of teeth red faced anger and frustration for many long hours until seven o’clock.

Yes, it was Election Day! Election (dry as the inside of a camel’s toaster) Day. The bad part had nothing to do with the voting, no my friends it was the ban on intoxicating liquor. (Hmmm… as if there is some other kind, like liquor that makes you smarter, or liquor that makes clean out the garage? There is only intoxicating liquor. Intoxicating liquor can help you get a divorce but that is another story altogether.)

If you like to drink or if you are a little further along and have to drink we had to plan ahead and buy some bottles with handles and hide them because not only could no booze of any kind be sold anywhere it could not even be given away, Just in case you thought you were good looking enough that people were going to give you free liquor at a bar all day (this phenomenon only happens to Cuban Vivendi dancer girls anyway). That’s right no booze not in hotels restaurants or bars probably the only place you could get a drink that day is in Northward prison (ask for Lenny; he has the good stuff).

In the recent past It was reported the election day alcohol ban caught some real estate Borg clones by surprise and almost made three East End timeshare salesmen and a saleswomen commit suicide (yes only three and only almost), luckily they found some mouthwash that none of them had ever used before and swigged it down so they could make it with the shakes till the voting booths closed.

Here in Cayman and in a lot of places in the world there is a ban on selling alcohol on Sundays. They call them blue laws but I am not sure why. Lots of beer comes in green bottles, most liquor comes in clear or brown bottles and hardly any are blue, but blue law it is.

No alcohol on Sundays here is the theory anyway but not the rule. Some pool bars, beach bars, gas stations, restaurants and liquor package stores sell away on Sunday so it’s not really a ban just a hassle. They should call it the Sunday alcohol hassle ordinance.

Being a former working “stand up” comic (the only one now or ever in Cayman I have been told by immigration) I have noticed a lot of things in the common language of English that some people still speak here that doesn’t make sense, like you park in a drive way and you drive on a parkway, and you go straight mostly on a turn pike. Why not call it a straight pike?

Some practices don’t make sense either. Lots of girls I am told get a new nightgown for their wedding night, why? It’s the one night they probably don’t need it. Did you know that in America attempted suicide is a crime, a felony in fact and lots of states have the three strikes law, that is if you commit three felonies you can get life in prison or even the death sentence, so if you screw up your suicide enough times the state may help you reach your goal – as a punishment of course. These things like partial blue laws just don’t make since.

Some places like Kentucky take this blue law and ban much further – they have dry counties. Huge areas, giant tracts of land and buildings where no alcohol is sold legally of any kind any time. I have been told in some of these counties police place large pictures of ice cold beers in storefront windows and see who stops and stares at them longingly then later they come to your house and arrest you just for wanting a beer. Unless you are a real Casanova and sneaking into Ashley Judd’s back window for a midnight snack of skim milk and heavy cake you should probably avoid these areas if you are drinker.

It is common practice here in Cayman to fantasise about the good old days. I do it myself a lot and wish the times of the old Holiday Inn with the breakfast buffet and my bottomless bar tab were still here. Bar tabs, though, eventually have to be paid and you usually have to pay for it at least twice, once out of your wallet and then the hangover is a heavy payment. If you are married you have to pay three times.

Not to mention what happens if you are caught drunk driving by the police; a heavy fine and you lose your license for a year. For you players out there it is hard to pick up a girl with a bicycle unless you have really comfortable handle bars and your name is Brad Pitt. In the good old days you might have gotten a warning maybe but it would have been the long long ago good old days and you would have been driving a horse and buggy too probably and even way back then in the ancient good old days booze has been highly regulated taxed controlled rationed portioned and kept locked up.

Let me tell you in spite of what you have read here I think it is a good thing. It is far too easy for young people to get alcohol; it is far too ingrained in our society.

In February of 1933 the 18th amendment to the US constitution banned manufacture and consumption of alcohol in the USA. It was a failure ushering in organised crime and making distilleries in Canada, the Caribbean and Mexico flourish.

Yes, prohibition was proven not to work in America or anywhere else but what about requiring a license to drink? You need a license for a gun and to drive a bus and almost everything else. It would help raise some money for alcohol enforcement, education and hospitalisation.

The world is spinning and we are on it so we already have the spins even without drinking a drop and honestly heavy drinking is already done too often. I wish the world was such a happy place that people didn’t feel the need to escape daily into drink. Alcohol is a problem world-wide and it has been since recorded history. We have to work to change the world and make it a happier place for all of us and our children.

I would like to see a day where alcohol didn’t have to be controlled at all with blue laws or any other laws because no one had much interest in it. Imagine, even if you’re not a John Lennon fan, go ahead and imagine a world when no one even wanted alcohol or anything else that might cloud their senses because our lives were so good and so happy just naturally. Hey it could happen, it could!

But we have to work for it and make it happen and not waste our precious time on earth leaning over a bar trying to escape into a bottle, and hey you there, yea I’m talking to you, don’t forget to tip your bartender or waitress cause that’s how they make a living.

Contact [email protected] with offers of marriage, stand up gigs, sit down meals and anything that involves lying down.

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